Ow, my butt

Friday marked my first 17p shot for little Baby C.  17p is a progesterone shot that calms the uterus, preventing random preterm labor.  It's unclear whether I need it or not, since my team of doctors believe that I went into preterm labor because of Chorioamnionitis. But since 17p doesn't hurt the baby and insurance pays for it, we figured... eh, why not?

For those of you who have done PIO, 17p is almost the same thing but is done weekly instead of daily.  22 gauge needle, 1.5 inches long, right into the muscle.  It's not so bad, but considering my right side is still numb from the PIO shots that we stopped five weeks ago, I was a bit wary to start again. We are lucky that our insurance is so great, because the pay for a nurse to come to our house to give me the shot.

She was nice.

I mean, she just came back from maternity leave and talked about how awful it is to give birth at 35 weeks, but yeah, she was nice. I just can't stand it when people complain about giving birth just shy of full term to me.  Just the other day, my OB and I were talking about how if I reached 30 weeks, it would be "a dream."  That's horrible, right?  I am due March 5th and I really want to make it to Christmas.

She asked me if they gave me tocolytics to stop my contractions with the twins.  Of course they did, duh.  She said, well, not to be mean, but they don't usually do that because 22 weeks is not viable.

Oh, ok, like she thought it was a waste of resources.

She asked how big the twins were. I said 1 pound, 2 ounces each.  I was really proud when she exclaimed how big they were and how 22 weekers usually never reached a pound.  Yep, they were big boys.  Good eaters.

The shot itself sucked.  No icing this time, and she administered it slow so the needle was in for a good couple of minutes. I kept reminding myself this was for my baby, so it was worth it.  I haven't felt the baby move since that night, but I'm sure this is all in my head. Right?

One down, Twenty more to go.

Whale, whale, whale....(16 weeks)

First of all, I have to apologize for being MIA for a week.  Bad little blogger, bad!  I've been swamped with grad school, work, and looking for houses (but I'll save that for a later post).  While I haven't been blogging, I've also been busy growing a real bump. 

I'll tell you what we have here: a baby bump that appeared overnight.  One that maybe looks more like a baby than an extra helping of spaghetti. I wore yoga pants and a tight tank top for this picture so that you could see what I am talking about, since you can't really tell when I'm in any other clothes. Soon I'll be the size of a whale.  I cannot wait.

How far along? 16 weeks!  The coveted 16 weeks, when mom can finally stop shopping (or in my case, window shopping) in the sea of gender neutral clothes (which are, in my opinion, extremely boring).
What's happening with  baby?  Baby is the size of an avocado (mmm guacamole).  Ears and eyes are starting to move into their final positions. And my favorite - baby is growing toenails. Tim told his sister when the boys came out, the first thing he saw was feet with little toenails.  What he wouldn't do to save those little feet.
Total weight gain: Two pounds. Uterus is measuring perfect at 16 weeks. Doctor is happy with that, but he did make a joke about how I shouldn't be afraid to eat and that it doesn't look like I eat much.  Tim said I like I eat a lot of expensive things.  What I didn't tell the doctor was that last night between 11 pm and midnight, I ate a peanut butter sandwhich, a grilled cheese, and a piece of pizza. And three bottles of water.
Maternity clothes?  Just a belly band for now
Stretch marks? Nada, but I'm not really paying attention either.
Sleep: Still staying up late and waking up late.
Miss Anything?  Eating dinner without barfing.  I've been sick almost everyday this past week.
Differences between Baby C and Conner and Ben at this point: Big one - a few days ago, I started feeling Baby C move!  I have been feeling little kicks and tumbles ever since.  With the twins, I was 17 weeks and 6 days before I realized what I was feeling were the babies moving and not gas. They say when you are pregnant the second time around, you are more attune to what those movements are.  I knew what to look for this time, and little baby is moving as I type this (probably because I am also eating pineapple pizza).
Best moment this week:  Debating between the gender scan or feeling this little one move for the first time! OB appointment went really well.  Cervix is high and closed and my OB is really happy that the 17p shots start tomorrow.  He said once I got to 28 weeks, he could start to relax a little bit.  It was kind of nice to hear a doctor so concerned about this baby. Also, even though we are not done with prenatal screening yet (second blood test is next week), our chances of genetic abnormalities are extremely low - everything came back at less than 1%.  I can't remember all the numbers except that Trisomy 18 was 1 in 8,100.  I hope that with the next (and last) screening, we have great news as well.
Emotions:  Is anxiety an emotion?
Difficulties this week:  I'm afraid once we announce this pregnancy, people will forget about Benjamin and Conner even more than they already have.  We invited close friends and family to a memorial at the hospital that happens in a couple weeks, and no one is going.  Some people didn't even bother to respond back to me about it. Those boys deserve better.
Movement:  See above. Hell yeah!
Food cravings/aversions: Not really discriminating anymore.  Depending on the time of day, everything is good or everything make me want to barf.
Symptoms: Still haven't been called for that Proactiv/Noxema/Clearisil commercial yet.
Happy or Moody most of the time:  Moody.  Poor husband.
Looking forward to: Our pregnancy announcement... maybe this weekend?

OK.... I know you have all been waiting for this gender announcement.  Please don't hate me, but I have decided that we're going to keep that a secret until we tell our family and friends that we are pregnant.  I think the guilt of keeping this baby a secret from them is catching up to me.  I hope to tell you all soon!  I will say this though - this little baby WOULD NOT STOP MOVING.  I was pretty sure we weren't going to get a read and we would have to wait until next week.  I kept trying to guess the gender while this little baby kept bouncing around.  But finally, we saw what we had finally been waiting for.  I even let Tim take me to Babies R Us afterwards.  AND I finally took that Babies R Us catalog from the OB's office home today.

Hey, thanks for pressing your legs together during the gender scan. 

15 weeks

How far along? 15 weeks!  Although, all last week I kept thinking I was 15 weeks so this pregnancy is dragging!
What's happening with  baby?  Baby is about 4 inches and is about the size of an apple.  S/he can sense light and his/her taste buds are beginning to form.  Lanugo might be developing now as well.
Total weight gain: OB scale said two pounds today, but this tends to change on a day to day basis.
Maternity clothes?  Not exactly.  I finally found my belly band a few days ago.  I told myself I'd buy a new one for this pregnancy and put my old one away from when I was pregnant with the twins, but it seemed right to use this one.  I like being reminded of the boys.
Stretch marks? Nope.
Sleep: I've turned into a night owl - falling asleep around 1 am and getting up around 9 am.  I need to knock it off!  But I don't need to nap anymore which is SO GREAT.
Best moment this week:  You can't really tell, but my belly is starting to pop.  I can feel my uterus - it's hard just like it was with the twins. Having a little tiny bump makes me feel closer to this pregnancy.  It's something tangible to hang on to.
Miss Anything?  Ben. Conner. Always.
Differences between Baby C and Conner and Ben at this point: Not much, actually.  Symptoms are about the same as it was with them at 15 weeks.  Belly is just as big... not sure what to make of that, lol.
Emotions:  I had my first breakdown over the weekend over something really small.  Then Tim took me shopping and it was all better, lol.
Difficulties this week:  Had to go to the OB without the hubby.  I don't want him to go every week with me, because taking that time off of work is difficult.  But I hate going into the ultrasound without him... I'm afraid I'll get bad news and I'll be all alone.
Movement:  Baby C is moving away!  I told the little nugget that s/he better be moving for me today in the ultrasound.  Then I had a birthday cupcake from yesterday, went to the OB, and there s/he was, jiggling and dancing.  S/he is in a totally different position than last week, which made me feel better.
Food cravings/aversions: None.  I really have no interest in food until its bedtime, which could be another reason why I'm staying up so late - I've been eating at like 9:30 pm.
Symptoms: Um, I need to be in a Noxema commercial.
Happy or Moody most of the time:  Moody now, for sure.
Looking forward to:  GENDER SCAN NEXT WEEK!  I also said that I would be comfortable with a pregnancy announcement after the gender scan, so maybe that is coming up soon, too :)

No longer a mermaid, but looking like s/he is ready for Halloween.  These pictures where the baby is facing the ultrasound wand just crack me up. 

Wishes for Ben and Conner

Two days ago, I ran out to take pictures of the moon for Benjamin and Conner.  I missed the last supermoon (fell asleep), and I kinda missed this one too.  I ran out too late - I should have gotten it at the horizon.  I felt awful about missing it.  But next month there is a blood moon, so maybe I can catch that one.  Seeing the moon always makes me think of my baby boys. I wonder if we are all watching the same moon.

Today is their 8 month birthday. When I told my dad, he was incredulous that the twins were already 8 months old.  I made lemon blueberry cupcakes for them and Tim and I brought them to my parents house and Tim's parents house.  My cousin was visiting, and Tim's sister and her kids made a trip to see us, too. Each cupcake had a candle on it, and everyone made a wish for the boys before they blew out the candle and had the cupcake.

No one shared their wishes out loud, but I could tell everyone was contemplative in what they were wishing.  I had my first two cupcakes by myself at home, and wished the boys were together, happy, safe, and healthy in heaven. My third wish when I was at my parents was that they were having fun mountain biking and playing soccer.  My fourth wish at Tim's parents house (not my cupcake... I was full, so I blew Tim's out) was that the boys were watching us at that moment.

What I really wish is that we were never blowing those candles out in the first place.

I wish my boys were here with us today.

Happy 8 month birthday, baby boys.  A lifetime is forever until I get to hold you again.

Thank you

For everyone reading this.  I know other baby loss moms can understand what it is like to lose friends over such a devastating loss.  They shy away from us because they don't understand, and even more sadly, do not care to understand.  We scare them.  We're bad luck. They say offensive things and are not patient when they realize that we're not over this yet... nor will we ever be.  We find support in unexpected places.  Everyone reading this has posted their support here or sent me private emails, offering prayers and kind words. You will never really know what all of that means to me.  

This morning I received an email from our wedding photographer.  She was riding her bike through the forest where we took one of our engagement shoots (she's photographed us for our wedding like... 4 times?).  She thought of us and wanted to let me know she was still praying for us.  

It's been 8 months.  Our pastor told everyone who attended Ben and Conner's memorial never to forget about us, even years from now, because we would still be dealing with our loss. Most have forgotten.  But others haven't.  For all of you, I am grateful.  

Thank you for reading, listening to me ramble, complain, and pour my heart out.  Most of all, thank you for remembering Conner and Benjamin.

Second trimester!

How far along? 14 weeks!
What's happening with  baby?  Baby is the size of a lemon and can squint, frown, suck his/her thumb, and PEE!  Who thought I could be so excited about pee? I also joked today at the ultrasound that the baby's body is catching up to his/her head.  Liver is producing bile and baby is a bit more active.
Total weight gain: The stars have aligned and I'm back to my normal weight.  Turns out everything before was just some major bloat.
Maternity clothes?  Yoga pants today, holler.
Stretch marks? Not yet.
Sleep: Like a baby. Pun intended.
Best moment this week:  Ultrasound today showed NO BLEEDING!  Thank you all for your support and prayers :)  I looked straight at Tim when the ultrasound tech said that and I've never seen someone more relieved in my life.
Miss Anything?  SOFT SERVE ICE CREAM.  We went to get shakes yesterday only for us to realize that I couldn't have it.  Listeria, damn you.
Differences between Baby C and Conner and Ben at this point: Going in for ultrasounds with the boys, I was so excited.  With Baby C, I hold my breath until we see the heartbeat.  I always expect the worst.
Emotions:  14 weeks is supposed to be the "safe zone" for many pregnancies.  Many people feel comfortable spreading their pregnancy announcements and buying baby stuff at this point.  Not me.  I lost Conner and Ben in the second trimester, just 10 days shy of "viability," a word I still hate.  If we can get through this second trimester, I will start to calm down a little bit.  This is the scariest period of time for me.
Difficulties this week:  Pregnancy no longer equals baby for me.  I am still struggling to get more excited for the future. I still have not taken home a Babies R Us catalog from the OB. I am also analyzing every little thing, from the fact that our baby's arm is still up in the air like it was last week and the fact that s/he didn't move as much as I wanted.  IS MY BABY NORMAL?!  Yes, I am that mom now.
Movement:  Baby was a bit more active in the ultrasound today and his/her body was jerking around a little bit.  I'll be more relieved when I see more movement.  I remember at this point, the boys were more active in ultrasounds.  I also remember Baby C being more active a couple weeks ago.
Food cravings/aversions: No more ice tea.  In fact, I don't really want much of anything anymore.  I have a taste for nothing, which makes it really hard when meal times come around.
Symptoms: Heartburn. I never had it with Conner and Ben, so this is new for me.  The only time I've ever gotten heartburn is when I drink hard liquor (which I also miss a bit).
Happy or Moody most of the time:  Depends on if I'm hungry or not.
Looking forward to:  Gender scan in two weeks!  Tim still thinks it is a girl and I'm up in the air about it, although lately I've been thinking its a boy.

Also, look who looks more like a baby today and less like a puppy (and still a little like a mermaid):

One year ago

Our pregnancy announcement pictures

One year ago on August 31st, we received the best news we have ever gotten: we were pregnant.  After 23 months of trying to start a family, we were finally blessed. I should have known right away that we were having twins: I took a test early (I simply could not wait for beta) and the test line was stronger than the control line. To commemorate this occasion, we went to Galena and scattered flowers in the Galena river right under the bridge we used to take our pregnancy announcement pictures.

under the bridge where we took pregnancy announcement pictures a year go

Flowers before we scattered them in the river

The arrangement came with three roses, and I couldn't help but think of Conner, Ben, and Baby C

Galena River

Just a few flowers in the river before we threw the rest in

Before we threw the flowers into the river, I told Conner and Benjamin that we loved them.  It was a sunny, beautiful day outside and we were in a good mood.  As we were tossing flowers, I saw two white butterflies playing together before they joined two other butterflies.  For a moment, I thought maybe it was my boys telling me they were there with us.

Tim and I didn't say much.  There was so much to say, but I don't think either of us knew where to start.  It was just as well.  No words can do justice to what I feel and how much I love my sons.  He simply his arm around me and we watched the flowers slowly drift down the river, and we walked away.

Dragon tales and the water is wide

Pirate's sail and lost boys fly

Fish bite moonbeams every night

and I love you

Godspeed, little man

Sweet dreams, little man

My love will fly to you each night on angel's wings

Godspeed

Sweet dreams

The rocket racer's all tuckered out

Superman's in pajamas on the couch

Goodnight moon will find the mouse

and I love you

Godspeed, little man

Sweet dreams, little man

My love will fly to you each night on angel's wings

Godspeed

Sweet dreams

God bless mommy and matchbox cars

God bless dad and thanks for the stars

God hears "amen," wherever we are

and I love you

Godspeed, little man

Sweet dreams, little man

My love will fly to you each night on angel's wings

Godspeed

Sweet dreams