Return to Zero review

Before I start this movie review, I should probably let you know that the way I've been feeling these days is just craptastic.  Seriously.  Like I feel so shitty that I would gladly volunteer as tribute.  So I probably shouldn't have snuggled up on the couch this afternoon with a movie about baby loss.  I love to torture myself, apparently.

***WARNING: MAJOR SPOILERS AHEAD***

Return to Zero is a film about stillbirth and the events following that lead to a couple falling away from each other. This movie is a major step towards breaking the silence about infant loss.  Minnie Driver (of "Good Will Hunting" fame, or if you please, Lorraine on "Will & Grace") plays Maggie, while Paul Adelstein plays Aaron (of "Private Practice," which I stopped watching around episode two).  About thirty seconds into the movie, I had tears in my eyes.  Maggie was getting an epidural and I sure felt like I could use one. 

Flash-forward to Maggie and Aaron immediately after they have had their son, Arthur. Maggie is bombarded by insensitive remarks by people with good intentions, and she loses it.  I mean, she really lets those people have it.  In reality, this probably wouldn't happen, but I think that if anyone is out there watching it who hasn't lost a baby might at least realize now what baby loss moms are really thinking when they say shit like, "it is God's will"  or "it happened for a reason."

Maggie pushes Aaron away, and he has an affair.  Maggie, in turn, chooses to ignore this and only brings it up one morning when she states she wants a divorce.  The film is entirely believable up to this point, as no way in hell would a woman ever let her husband have an affair and not have him pay for it.  He may have been hurting and his wife may have been an inconsolable mess, but Aaron's balls needed to be checked at the door. 

And then, Maggie flashbacks to when she gave birth to her son.  I think my shirt is still wet from my tears.  I was the idiot who wasn't prepared with Kleenex.  She's pushing and she's crying and she's begging for her baby to come out, and the whole time I'm thinking that this was me.  With every push, I knew I was leading my sons to certain death.  I pushed and cried and I just couldn't wait to get it over with.  I kept asking my doctor if they were out yet.  I was so worried I was hurting them, because they were breech.  Then all of a sudden Conner was here, and then Benjamin.  The nurse handed me my babies and one of the first things I could muster out was, "I'm so sorry."

Maggie finds out that she is pregnant and she tells Aaron that although she doesn't want him, she needs him.  He breaks it off with his whore and is there for his wife, even jeopardizing his job and his father's company to be there for his baby's birth (while his father tells him that children are nothing but a disappointment).  Maggie has a little girl, and when the doctor goes to hand Maggie her new baby, all Maggie can do is look at her.  She doesn't reach for her.  She doesn't know how she feels.  She isn't happy, like she thought she would be.  And of course, I'm sitting there, thinking about what it would be like if I ever have another baby, and all I can think is, "I don't want another baby.  I want Benjamin.  I want Conner."  I've overcome with all these emotions ranging from fear that I will be a horrible mother to desperation to have another baby to disappointment that I already feel like I will never love another baby the way that I love my sons.  Maggie's doctor told her that because she has lost a baby, she will be available to another baby in a way that parents who have not experienced loss will.  I hope this is true. 

The movie ends with Maggie acknowledging that she has two children.  Aaron pushes a sailboat into the ocean that he built for Arthur.  There are still some loose ends to tie up, such as what the hell is going on with their marriage and is Aaron's dad really an asshole?   I mean, where the hell did that come from?  But I still feel like the film gave decent closure to their journey.  They have their daughter, they have finally found a way to bond over their loss rather than disconnect over it, and Maggie believes that her son is watching over his baby sister.  Minnie Driver puts on a spectacular performance.  I really thought that she had lost a baby. I don't want to know what she did to prepare for that part. I'll probably buy the dvd, but never watch it.  It's just too heart-wrenching to put myself through again.  That being said... I still highly recommend it.  

A book called Three Minus One is out, inspired by the film.  I got my copy last week and I have to say, this book pulls on the heartstrings even more than the movie does.  It is a collection of short stories from parents who have lost their babies.  The writing is beautiful (it puts mine to shame).  It usually only takes me 2-3 days to get through a book like this, and I'm only 15% done because the heart can only take so much pulling and breaking in one night.  But this book makes me feel like less of an anomaly.  It makes me feel less alone.