Weekend Review: Flashbacks

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January 7th, 2014.  22 weeks and 1 day. It is one of the coldest winters on record.  Snow covers everything. Another snowstorm is about to hit. It is the day after my birthday.  I am at home, watching tv. I'm watching Despicable Me 2, a birthday present from my husband.  The minions remind me of the two little boys who will soon be joining us. Tim is at the fire department on a 48.  I won't see him until the 9th.  I am pregnant with twin boys.  I start having contractions.
Halloween, 2014. 22 weeks and 1 day. I am pregnant with my baby girl.  I am driving to pick up gourmet cupcakes for when my niece and nephew come by.  And it is snowing. I'm sure parents and children alike sighed in contempt, but I drove along, smiling the whole way. The snow gets heavier the closer I get to home. Is that you, boys?


January 8th 2014. 22 weeks and 2 days. I am admitted to the hospital.  I expect to go home soon, and Tim promises to buy me a strawberry shake on the drive. Then they wheel me into a room with a fucking baby warmer, and I know it is going to all be over soon.
November 1st, 2014. 22 weeks and 2 days. I wake up and the snow has stuck to my car overnight.  The day wears on.  I go to bed early.  I wake up around 4 am, but not for the first time tonight.  I haven't felt baby girl in awhile.  I run my hand over my stomach, trying to wake her up.  Kick, punch, wiggle.  There she is.  I try to get her to move more. Leave me alone, mom, I'm sleeping. Tonight I am still pregnant.  I am not in labor.  My baby is alive.

January 9th, 2014. 22 weeks and 3 days. My last full day with my boys.  I am still pregnant.  I finally agree to having an epidural, after being in labor for days.  The only reason I agree is because I do not want to be in physical pain during the short time I will be able to hold my babies.  That night, one of the boys' water starts leaking.  We don't know whose. We call our pastor at 4 a.m.  He comes right away, and stays with us until after the boys are born.
November 2, 2014. 22 weeks and 3 days.  We go to church this morning, as usual.  Pastor comes up to us and sincerely says, "God be with you today."  He has a look on his face.  He looks sad.  What is today?  I open up the bulletin for today's service. It is All Saint's Day.  Conner and Benjamin's names, along with 14 others, are listed as the faithfully departed. Special prayers are said for them today.  My eyes fill with tears as Pastor announces their names.  "The little babies, Conner Sullivan...Benjamin Sullivan."  A chime is rung after each name.  Later, he gives the sermon. He addresses each of the 16 faithfully departed.  "And the most heartbreaking of all, Conner and Benjamin, taken after just 23 weeks of life."  I see the man in front of me shake his head.  Tim and his sister are crying.  So am I.

January 10th, 2014. 22 weeks and 4 days. Conner is born at 11:27 a.m.  I hold him.  He breathes.  He hiccups. Benjamin is born at 11:43 a.m.  He breathes.  His hands always find his face. They are baptized in my arms the minute they are born as our pastor, our doctor, and our nurse cry with us.
November 3rd, 2014.  22 weeks and 4 days. I wake up this morning, and Baby C is squirming away.  Stay with me, baby girl.  I'm going to raise you to know all about your brothers.

THE 22 weeks

Is it me, or is my bump shrinking?

How far along? 22 weeks, the same week that I lost my baby Conner and my baby Ben.  I did not, like I usually do on Thursdays, wish this baby a happy 22 weeks.

What's happening with  baby?  I didn't anticipate how difficult this question would be. I realize now that I am going to be writing the last things that Conner and Ben were able to do in the womb. Lips, eyebrows, and eyelids are more distinct (and Conner had my eyelashes and Ben luckily had his father's). She is 11 inches, almost one pound.  She is covered in fine hair and taste buds are forming. She can feel touch.  I wonder if Conner and Ben realized it was me who was kissing their tiny foreheads. 

Total weight gain: I usually try to go off my scale, because I wear the same thing everytime I step on it, making my weight more reliable than the OB's scale.  My scale says I've only gained 5 pounds. For the first time ever, my OB's scale said the same thing - up five pounds.  Not much, but I'm sure that will change. I think I've lost weight since last week. 

Maternity clothes?  No, but my amazing husband did buy me maternity compression tights since edema has already started :(

Stretch marks? Nope.

Sleep: Insomnia.  I can't explain why - anxiety, missing the boys, dreading the next day and everything that has to be done... not sure.  It could also be because I am peeing ALL THE TIME. 

Miss Anything?  My baby boys, always. More so this week, if that is possible. 

Differences between Baby C and Conner and Ben at this point: This will be the last week I can answer this question.  Had I know how difficult and heartbreaking this would be for me, I would have never included this question in the first place.  But here it goes: baby girl is not up on my lungs yet, so I can breathe.  I have edema, which I didn't have with the boys (until I was in labor).  My skin is clearing up. I can definitely tell now that I was indeed bigger with the boys.  At first, my baby bump was right on par with the boys at the same gestational age and I was freaking out about being huge. The bump growth has slowed, where at this point with the boys I was growing rapidly. 

Best moment this week: This is going to sound weird, but the fact that yet again we couldn't get a 3d picture made me a little proud. She has her hands up in the air like a boxer. Then, when the nurse went to find her heartbeat via ultrasond, she couldn't find it for a few minutes because this little baby kept on moving. We found her heartbeat for a split second high up by my belly button, then it disappeared.  We found it a minute later by my hip bone, then we lost it again.  She's an acrobat. 

Difficulties this week:  Last night, I couldn't sleep.  I've been battling insomnia lately.  I thought about how Benjamin and Conner would miss their first Christmas this year, and cried.  I looked at their pictures on my phone, and I cried.  I memorized their faces for the millionth time, and cried. 

Movement:  Still kicking and rolling and punching like a pro. 

Food cravings/aversions:  I KNEW I shouldn't have bought Halloween candy before Halloween!  I've been slowly eating it all...

Symptoms: Swelling.  Oh, the swelling.  It's so early!  Right now, I can only fit into my yoga pants because my calves are so swollen (and my thighs a bit, too).  I really hope it doesn't get much worse! 

Looking forward to: Hopefully, a big shopping spree for baby girl when we reach 24 weeks. Tim is also buying crown molding for the nursery this weekend. I have mixed emotions about that.  I am excited for her nursery, but so sad to change what we have up for the boys.  We will be incorporating their things in her nursery though, and I'll post that in her nursery reveal.

"I throw my hands up in the air sometimes, saying ayo..."

The Capture Your Grief challenge is coming to an end. As I said in an earlier post, I stopped doing the challenge and got back to writing letters to my baby boys instead - writing to them is more therapuetic to me than anything else, and I think that is the point of the challenge anyway.  Hopefully this letter will help me get back to writing to them on a regular basis.

Dear baby boys, 

I am 22 weeks pregnant with your sister. Twenty-two weeks. It's so hard to believe that she is as big as you boys were when you were born.  I keep thinking of her as this little tiny baby, but really, she is big enough to cradle and hold in my arms. 

Everyday, I think of what it was like to hold you.  I was in awe of how perfectly you fit in my arms and how heavy you were.  I didn't expect to have so much weight in my arms, and I am so grateful that I had the chance to feel that. I hope I never forget those moments. 

At 22 weeks and 1 day, I went into labor with you.  At 22 weeks and 4 days, I gave birth to you.  This week is traumatic for me, but a very supportive blog reader once commented and told me that your little sister will do great with both of her brothers holding onto each of her hands.  I imagine that all the time now.  I don't want you to ever think you will be replaced.  Everytime I look at her, I will think of you both. 

Tomorrow is Halloween.  When I was pregnant with you, I thought it would be funny for all of us to dress up as breakfast foods.  Your daddy and I LOVE getting breakfast on Sundays, and it has become a kind of tradition.  I was going to make your daddy go as sausage because he would really kind of look like poop.  I'm not sure what you two would have been, but I'm guessing one of you would have been orange juice. 

I know this week is going to be incredibly hard to get through as we reach milestones with your sister that were our last with you, and then when we reach milestones with her that we never got with you. But I realize that my whole life will be like that from now on.  I am not okay with that.  I am not okay with the fact that I can only imagine what you boys would be like today... tomorrow... your first day of school.... your wedding day.  The only comfort I have, if any, is that you are happy in heaven and that someday, I will feel the weight of my little boys in my arms again. 

Love you to the moon and back,

Mom

Weekend Review: pumpkin fun!

There isn't much to say about this weekend, plus my brain doesn't want to work today.  It shut off last night and when I woke up this morning, it didn't know how to tell me to get out of bed. So here is my weekend review in pictures!


I had the urge to go baby shopping, so Tim took me.  It turns out that my judgement has completely gone out the window in terms of what the baby needs and what the baby (or rather, mom) wants.

Tim: She doesn't need that. We're going to get so many bibs from other people. 

Me: It's a cupcake. She NEEDS this. 

My mom also bought me a Christmas present that she just couldn't wait to give me, so one of the highlights of my weekend was this very meaningful necklace:

"Love you to the moon and back"

Finally -  yikes, turns out Halloween is right around the corner.  We carved our pumpkins inside and we won't put them out until the 31st so that the squirrels (and other gross rodents) won't get to them. Introducing our pumpkin family!

Tim's fire hydrant

Me and Baby C!

Conner's first pumpkin

Benjamin's first pumpkin

Miranda's pumpkin that she has no interest in. Shocker. 

Our growing family

21 weeks and I am freaking. out.

Loose fit pants feel so. damn. good. 

How far along? 21 weeks
What's happening with  baby?  Baby girl is about 10.5 inches long and is about the size of a carrot.  Hair is beginning to form, baby is digesting amniotic fluid, and bone marrow is making blood cells.
Total weight gain: Depends.. my scale says I've gained 6 pounds total.  I have no idea what is going on at my doctors office, because I dont remember what my initial weight was on their scale.  I think their scale says I gained a couple pounds more - so maybe 8.
Maternity clothes?  Surprisingly, no.  But I need to get on that soon so I don't stretch out my pre-pregnancy clothes!
Stretch marks? Nada
Sleep: Baby girl likes to keep me awake by playing Dance Dance Revolution.
Miss Anything?  Tequila.
Differences between Baby C and Conner and Ben at this point: Baby C is head down now, much like Baby B (Ben).  I think she is more active than the boys were, but it could be my mind playing tricks on me.
Best moment this week:  Seeing baby girl in 3d!  Well, kinda.  Ultrasound tech switched to 3d and baby C had her arm in front of her face, so we didn't get a good look.  Maybe next week?
Difficulties this week:  We are quickly approaching the 22.5 week mark when I gave birth to Conner and Benjamin.  I didn't anticipate that it would be this difficult.  Suddenly, everything I'm feeling feels like I could go into labor at any minute.  I stay up at night, thinking I'll miss contractions.  I google everything.  I am constantly trying to get her moving on video, so that I can have these precious moments saved just in case I lose her, too.
Movement:  We need to sign her up for a LOT of sports.
Food cravings/aversions:  Threw up pizza on Tuesday.  Turns out, my lactose intolerance is here to stay for this pregnancy.
Symptoms: See above.  No more dairy for this mama until baby girl is born.  I already have a list of foods I would like immediately delivered to my room after I give birth.
Looking forward to: Getting past 22 weeks.  If I can.

They grow up so fast, don't they? 

As for my Capture Your Grief catch-up (days 20-23), I'm cheating a little bit.  Well, not really.  Part of the challenge is that there are no rules - you don't have to participate every day. The other day, I realized how limited I was when someone gave me a topic to write about.  Sometimes my mind just keep running with thoughts about my boys and those are the thoughts - the free ones - that affect me the most in terms of my "healing" process.

I opened the door to their nursery and took the time to look around, much like I always do.  Like many times before, I stared at the wide open space on their nursery floor.  In my head, two little boys were learning how to sit up.  They were laughing at each other and trying to reach out to touch each other, excited by the fact that they could sit unassisted.  They tried to talk to each other, but instead only baby bubbles came out.  They were happy in this simplicity.

I do the same thing when my husband and I sit in our family room in the evening, channel surfing.  I stare at the open floor by the bookcase, near the stairs.  I imagine two little boys, sometimes in their bouncers, sometimes in walkers, sometimes sitting up.  I imagine them trying to walk.  No matter what the scenario, they are always laughing -with each other and at each other. They try to take toys away from each other.  They giggle when they are successful.  One cries and the other looks at his brother curiously.  What's wrong, brother?  Here, take my pacifier.

Every time I do this - at least a few times a week, sometimes daily - I have to hold back tears.  I can barely even write all of this down without wanting to cry. Today someone congratulated me on our baby girl and told me "everything happens for a reason."  Let's get one thing straight.  My boys did not die for this.  There was no good reason for them to go so soon.  People think well, you wouldn't be having her unless you lost them.  Well, who says?  Why couldn't I have had all three?  All of a sudden, everyone is God's secretary and they know what He is up to.

I love my baby girl.  I love my baby boys.  I hope she comes home with us, but if she does, it won't make everything okay again.  My life may be happy, but my life will never be full.

Weekend Review and Capture Your Grief catch up

This weekend was Tim's 28th birthday (so old, right?).  He was at the FD that day, so I just stopped by with this amazing pastry tray.  Said it would feed 20-30.  It fed four firefighters and one pregnant girl. Whoops. Guess I dropped the ball on that one, huh?  I had a jacket, new shirt, and new shoes waiting for him in my closet and I finally got to get rid of them. We also got the worst massages ever, but how was I suppossed to know they would suck?  I really need to step up my game next year.  I suck!  

We went to the pumpkin patch to get our boys' first pumpkins.  I always imagined bringing my twins to this pumpkin patch, somewhere Tim and I have been going annually since our first year living together. I imagined them sitting in the wagon, climbing on top of pumpkins, and picking them out. Conner and Ben couldn't do that, so we did it for them.  It was a bittersweet day. 

New birthday jacket!

Conner and Ben's pumpkins!  We tried to get matching ones.

Baby C's first pumpkin.  Stay tuned to see how I decorate it!

Can't forget Capture Your Grief catch up!  Love to my baby boys. 
Day 16: Retreat

I took a non-traditional approach to this topic.  I find comfort and peace when I travel with my husband, but no ordinary person can just hop on a plane every day. My retreat that I can turn to consistently is my blog.  It is my outlet, my diary, and my journey.  It has given me support and gifts that I never could have imagined.  Thank you all for being a part of it.

Day 17: Explore

Can grief and healing co-exist?  I think they must.  The grief of losing a child, or in my case, children, never dissipates. It never ceases.  There is no break from it.  But I find ways to honor Conner and Benjamin's lives, and it helps me to heal.  Just because I am striving to live my life to the fullest does not mean that my life will ever be full.  One of my life goals is to travel the world, a little at a time.  We have started taking bits and pieces of our journeys home with us for the boys, starting with sand and seashells from California and Bermuda.  What we see, they see,  What we experience, they experience.  They are always with us.


Day 18: Gratitude

It seems odd to consider myself lucky.  But I am lucky.  We had time with our sons.  We have pictures. We have footprints.  We have hats, blankets, and other carefully chosen items placed in their memory boxes. They were baptized.  Our parents got to say goodbye to their grandchildren. Everyday, I am grateful for what I had with them.  God chose me to be their mother.  No one else could love those boys like I do.  Two hours with them is worth more to me than a lifetime with another baby.  I am blessed.  I am thankful.  I have gratitude that they are now in the kingdom of Heaven.

Day 19: Give

Ben's puppy and Conner's giraffe, during one of the first and only times I was able to leave my hospital bed. 

What have we done for others in memory of our boys?  Donated to the NICU.  Led a family team in the March for Babies, bringing in over $12,000.  I find myself desperate to help other premature babies, simply because I could not help my own.  This Christmas, together with our families, we are donating outfits to our hospital's NICU and donating stuffed giraffes and puppies to the children's hospital in honor of Conner and Benjamin.  Their lives were short, too short.  But they will continue to make a difference in the lives of others.  My babies - my inspiration.

20 weeks: Anatomy Scan

I'm just now realizing I'm wearing the exact same thing as last week. HAHAHAHAHAHA. Oh man. Mama needs some new clothes. Notice my shirt riding up?  Only my belly band is hiding that belly now!

How far along? 20 weeks
What's happening with  baby?  Baby is about 10.5 ounces (although I'm convinced this little girl weighs more).  She is about 10 inches long, about the size of a banana.  Baby girl is producing meconium.
Total weight gain: I think two pounds this week. The nurse forgot to weigh me, and I wasn't about to remind her!
Maternity clothes?  Nope!  I'm kind of surprised.  And yesterday we went out and people said they couldnt really notice I was pregnant.  Interesting.
Stretch marks? Nope.
Sleep: I can't get enough of it.  I probably sleep ten hours a night.  But, unlike with the boys, I do not have to nap during the day.  Those little guys sure were a lot of work!  And totally worth every second.
Miss Anything?  Miranda got sprayed by a skunk yesterday, and with my heightened sense of smell, you can imagine how bad it was.  I would really like to have a normal sense of smell again. Everything makes me nauseous.
Differences between Baby C and Conner and Ben at this point: I can breathe!  I know that sounds so weird, but Conner and Ben were side by side, up and down.  At around 20 weeks, maybe earlier, they were crowding on my lungs. I hyperventilated A LOT.  But with just one baby who definitely transverse, the only thing she is crowding on is my bladder.
Best moment this week:  Can't even count. So many people are excited for this baby.  I told my OB today that I have been feeling her since 15 weeks, 4 days and that Tim has been able to feel her for weeks.  I also tend to feel her all day, every day now.  Every 1-2 hours I can feel her moving away.  The ultrasound tech is always talking about how active she is.  I was so proud when the OB said how rare that was this early for me to feel her all the time, and that it was a good sign.  Also, my cervix gained a whopping 5 mm!!!  The highest its been since I was 8 weeks pregnant!  He says I'm doing so well that I don't have to come in every week anymore, but upon seeing the terror on my face, he said we could do them weekly until 24 weeks.  So glad baby girl is doing well. Go little girl, go!
Emotions:  Pretty bitchy, not going to lie.
Difficulties this week:  Infant Loss Awareness Day yesterday.  Tug on my heartstrings.  I keep wondering how I will incorporate the twins in this little girl's life without her feeling jealous, overwhelmed, or like she isn't as important. Also, my ultrasounds wouldn't be ultrasounds without a bit of bad news, right?  Anatomy scan was great, and baby girls looks perfect - except that her head is only measuring in the 10th percentile.  The rest of her body is in the 50th or so percentile, so her head has some catching up.  My OB thinks that her head will be more proportional in a couple of months and that we should not worry, but yes - her head is right on the edge of not normal. So we have to go back for growth scans at 24 and 28 weeks.  If she has not caught up by then, we have to run some diagnostic tests.  I am hopeful, but you can imagine the blow that was to me today.
Movement:  As we speak, her kicking makes me want to pee.  I feel her almost all day now.  With the boys, I felt that about every 3 hours.  I will probably start writing down when I feel her move now.
Food cravings/aversions:  Aversions?  HAHAHAHA.  GIVE ME ALL THE FOOD.
Symptoms: Dare I say... my pregnancy acne is clearing up?  **knock on wood**
Looking forward to: Getting past the 22 week mark.  Getting to 24 weeks.  Getting to 28, 30, 32, and 34 weeks.  I just hope she comes home with us!

Hi baby. 

Are those not the sweetest little toes you ever did see???

Infant Loss Awareness Day and capture your grief catch up

Day 10: Support

 

I have received support in the most unfamiliar  places and people - online loss forums, complete strangers who have shared their loss stories with me, and distant friends who have become like family.  We have found the most support in my sister in law, who next to us, probably misses the boys the most.  We've lost friends who think that they understand our situation better than we do when in fact, they have never had anything this devastating happen to them before.  We have distanced ourselves from people who didn't have the patience for our sorrow, shyed away from conversation that had to do with our babies, and believed that it was time to "move on" and that we cannot be sad any longer. My life is filled with people who truly love us and our boys, and we aren't wasting time on people who told us they would be there and no longer are.  Thank you, Conner and Benjamin, for giving us the gift of a true support system in our lives.  Thank you for making us see who is worth keeping in our lives and who is not.

My biggest support, though, is my husband.  We laugh and cry together.  Some days, I think he hurts more than I do over our boys.  He is the only reason I keep taking steps forward.  Together, we take one day at a time.  Through thick and thin, forever and ever.

Day 11: Altar

Every room in our house is filled with Benjamin and Conner.  Their pictures grace our walls, their nursery has been left untouched, and our love of them fills every square inch of air. But there is one spot in particular that has significant meaning for me: their picture in our bedroom, above seashell candles and a vase filled with reminders of the beach.  We had planned out to take them to Hawaii for their first birthday and imagined our little boys running up to the water and shrieking in delight.  I'll never be able to look at another ocean without thinking of them. I see the water and wonder how many shores it has touched before finally reaching my feet, and I think of how Conner and Ben are free to roam to wherever their hearts please. Every morning, I wake up and it is one of the first things I see. I say good morning to that picture every day.  When we read to them at night, they watch over us.  I look lovingly at their picture as I say goodnight.

Day 12: Music

I've written about this before, and it is definitely worth mentioning again.  Dixie Chicks Godspeed always reminds me of my boys.  It never fails to bring tears to my eyes, even 9 months after we lost them.  My father in law and the church band played it at the boys memorial. I remember playing this for Tim for the first time - we were still dating.  I explained to him that I didn't know why I loved it so much, but it just spoke to me.  He remembered that when I played it for him again and asked him if we should play it at their memorial.  He immediately started to cry. If ever there was a perfect song for two sweet little boys, it is this one.

Day 13: Season

Christmas 2013, few weeks before they were born - one of the last pictures all four of us would be together.

Every season reminds me of my boys. I think about all they are missing now - the colors of the leaves, pumpkin picking, and playing outside in the crisp, cool air.  I think of the summer they missed - the long days, the clear nights, and the trips we took.  I think of the spring that they were supposed to be born in - cool and breezy, the Easter Sunday I cried and grieved for them, and my first Mother's Day.  But most of all, winter reminds me of my boys.  They were born during one of the coldest winters on record.  It is only now, months out from when I last held them, that I see the beauty in winter.  We are surrounded in white, the coldness brings everyone together in huddles, and the best nights are the nights spend curled up on a couch. The holidays, the lights, and the time to reflect is something that we only find in winter.  My babies were born four days after my birthday, and I am only now beginning to appreciate how those dates and that winter brings us closer together.

Day 14: Dark/Light

Via La Dolce Vita

Words cannot adequately describe the emotions that I experience everyday without my sons.  I feel polarized and uneasy; I feel thankfulness and grace.  I feel grief and guilt; I feel happiness and peace.

Losing your children is the worst experience in the world.  I am torn apart daily.  I feel jealousy when I see family photos, knowing that mine will never be complete.  I feel anger at my body, blaming it for a premature delivery.  But at the same time, I feel thankful that we had the time we had with our boys. No one else can call them theirs. They are mine, all mine. God gave me the best two little boys in the world, the strongest little boys I know.  I rest easy some nights knowing that they are in heaven and at the same time, I lie awake thinking that they need me.  I fear that this will always be my reality.  There is no rest until I can be with them again. 

Day 15: Infant Loss Awareness Day

Today's topic is actually "community."  We lit candles for them that smelled like the beach - our favorite being "Aloha Waikiki," in honor of where we were going to take them for their first birthday.  We lit candles in our home and in their nursery.  I stared at their nursery for a long time, imagining two little boys stealing pacifiers from each other and laughing at the other one playing with trucks.

I would give anything not to be lighting those candles every year.

We lit candles for other babies gone too soon - Claire, Ava, Jack, Samantha, Staci, Preston, Nathaniel, Petey... the list goes on.  I stared at all of those candles, in awe of how many we lit.  I still cannot believe how many innocent and precious babies are stolen from this world.  We are part of a community no one wants to be in.

Thank you to everyone who lit candles for our babies last night.  Your support means the world to me.  I cannot even adequately express how every candle lit last night filled me with hope and happiness.  Thank you for making this mom's night just a little more bearable.