11:27 and 11:43. Who will you be when I see you again?

Friday, January 10th, 2014. 11:27 a.m. Conner Timothy is born, handed to me wrapped up in hospital blankets and wearing a little blue hat.  He is baptized and I melt under his presence.
Friday, January 10th, 2014. 11:43 a.m. Benjamin Michael is born, wrapped just like his brother and wearing a blue and white striped hat.  He is also baptized, and for the first time ever, the four of us are a family.

Dear Conner and Benjamin,

Saturday was your first birthday.  I anxioulsy prepared for this day, and I didn't know what to expect. I had two times engraved in my mind: 11:27 and 11:43.  I made a note to make sure I knew what I was doing at those times so that I could wish you both a happy birthday.

I missed it.

Like any normal parent, I was too busy running around picking up your birthday cake and the 40 balloons that we would release for you that day. We did a minion theme.  I was watching Despicable Me 2 the night I went into labor. I always imagined you two getting into shenanigans with each other just like the little yellow minions. Your daddy noted the times, though.  I wish he would have told me. I missed it, like I am going to miss so many things in your life. Your first steps, your first day of school, your graduations, your weddings, your own babies. I have so little that I can do for you, and I missed it.

But I do know what I was doing.  One of your daddy's friends from the fire department and his wife stopped by and surprised us with balloons and elephants for your birthday.  The elephants had your names on it and pins that said "I am ONE."  I got caught up in their kindness, and I missed your birth times.  But please know, I was thinking of you regardless.

I didn't shed one tear on your first birthday.  There were times when I thought I might, but the day was so filled with love that it was difficult to be upset.  Friends and family messaged us all day, telling us they were thinking us and of you.  We had close family and friends over for cake and a balloon release, and you even got presents (books, of course!).  Daddy and I went to Lovell's that night  - owned by Jim Lovell's family. He was an Apollo 8 and Apollo 13 astronaut, and the restaurant is filed with NASA memoribilia - perfectly fitting with your "love you to the moon and back" theme.

People sent us messages and emails about their random acts of kindness that they did, and I couldn't believe the response.  You are both making such a huge difference in the world.  As your mom, one of my goals is for you to be remembered, always.  I do not want your legacy to be grief.  I want people to remember you and smile. The RAOKs are still rolling in, and I will write more about that later.

Today, January 12th, marks exactly one year from the last time I saw you, held you, kissed your little heads.  The last thing I told you both was to take care of each other. I hope that you are best buddies in heaven, like I so hoped you would be here on earth. I sobbed, and the nurse and women from the funeral home cried with me. I couldn't believe I would never get to hold you again in this lifetime.

I cannot help but wonder: who will you be when I see you next?  Will you be the little babies, swaddled in blankets, with your blue knitted hats?  Will you be toddlers, running around playing with toy trucks?  Will you be teenagers, anxious to see me but scared at the same time? Will you be adults, and will I have missed a big portion of your life in heaven?  I hope that you are little... whether that be infants or toddlers... please stay little. I want to gather you up in my arms and snuggle you and all the things that we got robbed of when you passed away. Stay little, stay little, stay little.

I hope you recognize me when we see each other again.  I hope my voice is familiar and you know that I am your mommy. I can't wait to finally see your eyes, hold onto your hands, and kiss your little foreheads and cheeks.

I went the whole weekend without crying and I definitely am now.

One year closer to seeing you again, boys. My grief does not get easier, but I have managed to find ways to think of you with love and joy instead of tears and sorrow. Until we meet again, know that I will love you and think of you every second of every day. I will never be complete until I can hold you again.

Love you - to the moon and back,
Mommy

Happy First Birthday, Baby Boys

"I am ONE" elephants

Candles for our boys

Miranda of course joined in (I also have a feeling she thought she was turning one and the party was for her)

Bottom layer: banana with strawberry preserves (because minions love bananas!) 

Top layer: chocolate with strawberry preserves (to appease the general public)

Mommy and Miranda's ballloons got caught in the tress the first time, so this is take two

They got caught in the trees again! But miracles happen, boys - and the balloons somehow untangled themselves and flew away.  I think maybe you had something to do with that :)

Jum Lovell with the cast of Apollo 13