So what happened?

via Etsy

I guess at this point, I should mention what brought us to the hospital on that deplorable January night.  We just recently (read: last week through my ob and yesterday through the mfm) found out that it was from chorioamnionitis.  Yeah.  Try saying that five times fast, or better yet, spelling it. I literally googled it five seconds ago just to make sure it was spelled correctly, since I always says its chorioamniocentisis (which doesn't even exist).

Chorio is estimated to affect 1 in 100 pregnancies.  It is caused by normal bacteria that resides in the vagina, and every pregnant woman is at risk for it.  There is no way to prevent this motherf'er.  Every once in awhile, this bastard makes its way up to the uterus and infects the placenta(s), making its way to the baby(ies).  Most of the time, this happens late in pregnancy.  And, most of the time, it is the result of a prolonged labor and the cervix being open for so long.  The mother gives birth, say around 37 or 38 weeks, the mother and baby are treated with antibiotics, and they are wheeled out a few days later, mother holding baby and balloons while daddy helps them into the car.

I delivered Conner and Benjamin at 22.5 weeks.  Because I was already dilated when I came in, and because I went from 2 centimeters to 10 centimeters so quickly, both my OB and my MFM believe that chorio caused me to go into labor, rather than just being a result of the labor.  Because it happened so early in my pregnancy (and would be the indirect reason why my babies died), my OB said this was a 1 in 10,000 chance this would happen.  He has only seen it happen like this a few times in his 20 years of practice.

The placenta autopsy showed that one of the babies, probably baby "B", had a moderately severe case of chorio that had even reached his umbilical cord.  The other baby, probably baby "A", had a mild case.  I say probably about the babies, because when I delivered the placentas they both came out at once and it was most likely difficult to tell whose placenta was whose.  My babies were sick.  The MFM and OB later explained to me that even if I had made it to 24 weeks (viability), they had 0% chance to survive with this infection paired with the complications of premature delivery.  Hearing this made me feel better that we made the right decision for them, but also awful - they were (are) such beautiful babies, and they fought for so long. It was incredibly painful to hear that they had no chance, regardless of how brave they were.

Everyone says that I shouldn't blame myself, and now there is pathological proof that I could not have prevented this.  Even if I came in a day earlier to the hospital, the damage was already done.  But I am their mommy.  I was supposed to carry them, help them, save them.  I would have laid down my life for them.  I didn't get that chance.  I will always feel guilt.  My body turned on them.  My body didn't carry them to term, or even to viability.  This infection didn't happen to me, it happened to them.  I will live the rest of my life owing those boys the world.