Dear winter....

photo via society6

I know the whole country is freezing  - with a few exceptions (Southern California, you buttholes).  I am aware that even the south is freaking out over ice storms, and that states of the more northerly latitude are colder than Chicago.  But seriously, I went outside today in 35 degree weather and I was WARM.  More specifically, it was the didn't-need-my-jacket kind of warm. That's not normal.  I only feel warm because its not negative 40 degrees outside.  Just last week, my husband and I walked outside in 15 degree weather and I swear I almost stripped naked from the heat.    Winter, you are an asshole. You are pissing me off.  I shouldn't be liking 35 degree weather.  Plus, now that its "warm" out, the snow and ice are melting and creating flooding in the streets and leaks in my office window. More importantly, winter, you remind me that my boys were here much too soon.

Conner and Benjamin's due date is May 12, 2014.  Twins are routinely delivered via c-section at the 37 week mark, which would have been April 21, 2014.  My OB explained that most women carrying twins make it to 35 or 36 weeks, which meant that Conner and Benjamin would most likely be coming in the middle of April.  I was looking forward to the trees starting to turn green, warmer breezes, and barbecues for their birthdays. Every time I see the snow, I am constantly reminded that they shouldn't have been here yet.  I walk down the stairs and see their pictures hanging delicately on our walls, and I think two things simultaneously: they are amazingly beautiful and we shouldn't have any pictures of them yet - not until April.

I have the unfortunate luck of also having a January birthday.  I never wanted that for my children.  January in Chicago blows.  The Christmas lights are down, leaving buildings and houses stripped from their festive colors and inviting entrances.  It is one of the coldest months of the year, and no one wants to do shit during January.  Getting people to go out for your birthday isn't easy when you have to plan around ice, snow, cold, and car accidents.  This year, Lake Michigan is almost completely frozen over its surface, camouflaging itself like a snowy white field instead of one of the biggest freshwater sources in the world.  

Um, are those tracks in the snow? 

photo via bearkillers

I wanted my kids to have fun backyard birthdays with lots of games and food and people sitting around enjoying the weather.  So when we found out the boys' due date, I was so happy.  It wasn't quite summer, but spring would be warm enough to meet all my criteria for hosting big birthday parties.  Now I look out the window and and reminded that they were born during one of the coldest weeks of the year, just after one of the coldest days in Chicago history. Poor babies.  Haven't they been through enough?  I remember our boys when the funeral home came to pick them up from the hospital.  We laid them down in a basket filled with blankets that one of the nurses had found.  Even though the boys were swaddled tightly together, we threw another fleece blanket on top of them to keep them warm.  I knew that they weren't really in their bodies, but I couldn't let my boys go out in that frigid cold. 

Most people are familiar with Kubler Ross' five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.  I agree that most people going through the loss of their child(ren) go through these feelings, but definitely not in stages.  I feel those stages on a daily basis, all at once, and there are no words or drugs to help me get through them. They are overwhelming and all-consuming.  I'll take a vodka with a chaser of straight-jacket, thank you. 

1. Denial - thinking that maybe I'll wake up the next morning, and I'll still be pregnant.  Today would be week 28 of pregnancy, they would have weighed over two pounds, and would have been able to see around the womb.  The websites say that they would have had eyelashes by now - but they did at 22.5 weeks when they were born.  Conner had my short straight lashes and Benjamin's lashed curled like his daddy's. 
2. Anger - 24/7.  I hate everything everyone says, even when their hearts are in the right place. No one says the right thing.  Everyone is moving on with their lives, and mine has stopped.  How could that be?  Anger is probably the most overwhelming emotion I have been feeling lately.  
3. Bargaining - My life for theirs, God.  Please?
4. Depression - tears are in my eyes all the time.  Everything makes me sad, from walking into their nursery to doing the laundry.  I'll never see them playing in their nursery; I'll never get to wash their clothes.  
5. Acceptance - NEVER.