Conner and Ben's personalities

picture via Etsy

Oh, boys - my heart didn't realize how badly I wanted rowdy little boys running around the house until I held Conner and Benjamin.  Now I find myself doing laundry and wishing I had miniature grass-stained jeans and shirts caked with mud to wash.  My whole life, I thought my first child would be a girl.  I never imagined my first born being a tiny little man.  I wanted to dress my little girl in dresses and headbands, get pedicures with her and have imaginary tea parties.  So imagine my surprise when the ultrasound tech found not one, but TWO little fire hoses attached to my babies, floating around their saltwater sacs.  Hhhmmm... so no pedicures, huh?  What was I going to do with two boys?  Would they even LIKE me???

And then they were born.  As soon as I held each of them, I realized I was meant to be a mama to boys. How silly I was to even want a girl.  Girls, yuck.  My little men were and are my whole world.  Tim used to joke that they would be mama's boys.  Probably.  But we'll never really know now.

My baby boys never opened their eyes and never spoke a word.  Because they were born 17.5 weeks too soon, we were only given a couple of hours with them before they passed away.  Before they were born, we would often joke about what our little boys would be like.  We would laugh when we thought about little boys running around in their baby carhartt overalls, trying to help daddy fix something in the house.  They would probably like cookies way too much, and help each other reach forbidden items that we thought we had placed out of their reach.  They would get excited over fire trucks and tools, love NASCAR, and play soccer and hockey like their daddy. One of them would go into the trades like his daddy, and maybe the other one would go to college and excel in academics only to land a job that he never thought he wanted but ultimately suited his personality- like his mama.

Obviously, this is all in my imagination.

I am a full believer that babies, even in-utero, have distinct personalities that stick with them throughout their lives.  Psychological studies have shown that young infant temperaments are often indicative of their adult personalities.  Laid back babies tend to be laid back adults.  Hyper babies tend to be active adults.  But, when your babies are born 17.5 weeks before they are due, all you can do is take the little experiences you had with them and somehow transpose this into what their personalities are, or would have been.

Conner and Benjamin were best buddies.  Obviously, they didn't have many options in the womb. I mean, it was either their brother or my kidneys. Even little kids often choose their neighbors as their best friends.  But I like to believe that regardless of all this, they still would have picked each other.  We've had countless ultrasounds (one of the perks of carrying two).  One ultrasound sticks out in my memory - we were probably about 10 weeks along.  Little baby B was moving furiously, almost like he was waving to us.  Scanning over to baby A, it was almost like a mirror image. Panning out, we could see both babies swimming away, awakened by the high frequency waves the ultrasound uses to make its images.  And then, in the exact same second, both of my little babies stopped. Their heart rate slowed a bit.  They were asleep.  Just like that - awake, then asleep at the same time.   It was like they were responding to each other's movements.  I could almost hear them - "hey buddy, let's catch some zzzz's before we make mom throw up later."

There were times I would gaze down at my increasingly large belly, and it would be lopsided.  They like to hang out on my right side.  You would think I would be making this up, except an ultrasound once picked up on both of them crowded on my right side, smashed together like two peas.  Most of the time, they laid opposite of each other, with one boy's feet near his brother's face and vice versa.  It was only before I delivered that we got one last ultrasound - and they were both breech.  Their little heads were next to each other, and I like to think that little baby A flipped around to be nearer to his brother, maybe to comfort one another in their final days.

Fraternal twins, best buddies - but different personalities.

Conner Timothy

Little baby Conner was our baby A.  I would always think he was the most laid back of the two.  He didn't kick as much as his brother did.  But, we found out that he had an anterior placenta when I was admitted to the hospital.  That meant that this little guy had to kick harder and move more than his brother did for me to feel him - so in retrospect, maybe he was the stronger of the two.  We have ONE video where I taped my little boys moving.  I recorded minutes of my belly, seemingly quiet, only to catch one tiny kick in my lower abdomen.  The whole time I recorded, I felt movement from both babies.  But, it was so early that it was hard to see this movement manifest itself into something as concrete as a change in the landscape of my stomach.  I think - think- that this one kick I treasure on video might have been Conner.  He filled up the left side of my belly, but he liked to put a lot of pressure on my bladder.  The ultrasound tech at our 20 week scan commented on how far his head was into my cervix. It wasn't a big deal, just uncomfortable for mama. He had me peeing about 10 times in the middle of the night, but this mama didn't mind.  

When he was born, he took a few breaths, like his brother.  But, unlike Benjamin, Conner hiccuped.  Twice. I remember him making this precious noise while Tim held him, while Tim remembers him doing it again while he was laying on my chest.  He is the only baby whose hand I made wrap around my finger.  For some reason, while I was holding him I thought, "this is what babies do.  They hold their mommy's hand."  So, I took his little hand and curled it around my finger. He stuck his little tongue out at us, and this shows in almost every picture we have of him. His little gesture had his daddy and I laughing - the only time I remember laughing while we held them, waiting for them to pass.  He looks just like me, but may have had his daddy's eyes.  If Conner isn't my kid, I'm not sure who could be.  

In my imagination, Conner is the stronger of the two boys.  He has blue eyes like his daddy, but all his other traits screams that he is mine from his hair to his tongue. He is not bossy, but he does take charge.  I see myself getting their baths ready, with Benjamin next to me calling for his brother to get into the tub.  Conner needs to be told what to do, but he not because he is a bad child - because he is independent.  His love of orange juice in the womb has dissipated, and he has taken a liking to peanut butter instead (like his mama, he eats it by the spoonful).  He gets into the most messes and leaves dirt piles in his wake.  He is his father's boy, for sure.  I imagine the song "Anything Like Me" by Brad Paisley is Conner's song. As I write this, I am playing it in my head... "I can see him right now, knees all skinned up, with a magnifying glass trying to melt the Tonka truck..."  He watches out for his brother but sometimes steals pacifiers out his mouth, or, when they are older, toys out of his hands.  He is the more laid back of the two while also being the most active. He loves his bedtime stories but hates bedtime, loves his baths but loves being dirty even more, and sticks his tongue out at me every time he is being silly or has done something naughty.  

Benjamin Michael

Benjamin is our little baby B.  Since Conner's placenta was anterior, most of the movements I felt (and thus, Tim felt) were from the right side of my belly - Benjamin.  Something told me that baby B's name had to be Benjamin, and not baby A.  I could imagine myself yelling for my little Ben to come over to me throughout the house (while baby A remained nameless until the day I was admitted to the hospital).  We had named picked out before we were even married (Conner's name being on that list).  Benjamin's was picked out seemingly last minute, just weeks before I gave birth.  It was a strong name for a boy who did somersaults every evening after I ate dinner.  He had the advantage over his brother by being able to feel when we nudged at him (gently) to try and elicit a response.  I had read that babies would react in the womb if they were, well, poked. They weren't kidding - this kid kicked every time we nudged the right side of my belly while I was in the hospital.  I'm pretty sure he almost kicked the monitor off my belly the night I was admitted.  That one kick had me, Tim, and the nurse laughing.  He was almost always breech, proving to the world that he was going to do things his own way (and also that he did know which side was up).  Conner would crowd in his space, trying to get closer to him - or trying to take up some prime real estate. 

He is our little guy whose water may have started leaking in the middle of the night the day they were born. He is our little boy who came out with a bruised left eye and whose hand always found its way to his face. I remember thinking that Benjamin needed me more.  My heart ached for him. He looked like a thinker, his little brow furrowed as if in deep thought (and his hand over his chin adds to this theory). He was a quiet little guy;almost contemplative.  He proved me quite wrong; I thought he would be the little one making the cute noises.  He liked to hide himself by resting his head into his shoulder, face partially hidden into the hospital blankets.  Benjamin proved to be a fighter, just like his brother. He passed in Tim's arms, and I didn't know this until much afterwards.  He, like his brother, looks like me, but every time I look at his pictures, I think of his daddy. There is something about his expression stating that Benjamin is Tim's son.

Benjamin - is that you?

via wikipedia

I imagine Ben as being a mama's boy.  His traits are a mixture of mine and Tim's.  He is the little boy who is fascinated with the things around him, but instead of declaring it to the world he asks me quietly what certain things are.  We visit daddy at the fire department and Ben climbs all over the fire truck with Conner, but ultimately ends up at my side when he is done.  Conner takes a toy he was playing with, and Ben whines until Conner gives it back.  But, Conner always gives it back.  After all - who could say no to Ben's precious little face?  Not this girl.  He likes to play with his brother, and they make a great team.  But, Benjamin likes to do other things on his own - learn to read, put his toys away, or help mama get the bath ready.  He is the little boy who waits at the window with his dog, Miranda, for daddy to come home.  He calls for Conner when he sees Tim pull into the driveway.  Benjamin is finicky about food,  loves bath time and being tucked in, and sneaks out of the room he shares with his brother to snuggle into bed with mama. 

I have no idea if any of what I wrote about their personalities is true.  I haven't been given the chance to find out.  I get tears in my eyes every time I think of what they would have been like.  I know I would have loved them endlessly, regardless of what their personalities were like.  I DO love them endlessly - to the moon and back.