Capture your grief day 2 and the worst ultrasound ever.

How far along? 18 weeks.  I can't decide if time is flying by or going way too slow.
What's happening with  baby?  Baby is 5.5 inches long, about the size of a bell pepper (mmm, stuffed peppers...).  Myelin is forming around baby's nerves.  Ears are almost at their final positions and baby can detect light.  Finger and toe prints are forming!  Baby's heart is pumping 25 to 30 quarts of blood a day.
Total weight gain: A whopping 4 pounds.  2 pounds in one week.  Whoops.  I might have overdone it.
Maternity clothes?  Not yet... but soon.  Very soon.  Like maybe tomorrow. Or this evening.
Stretch marks? Nope.
Sleep: Going through like a roll of toilet paper a night from night pees.
Miss Anything?  Eating peanut butter without getting heart burn. This is new. Even so, I am eating peanut butter right now.
Differences between Baby C and Conner and Ben at this point: My pregnancy with the twins was much easier.. this time... see below on "difficulties"
Emotions:  Pissed off to high hell.  I can't even think right now. See below.
Difficulties this week:  This section is slowly changing to a description of my OB appointments.  Went in today.  Cervix lost 6 mm in one week.  No funneling, which is good.  But they found "sludge" by my cervix (tons of discharge).  I take a z-pack for five days to see if that helps.  Go in next week.  If cervix has lost any more length, I go to my MFM for a late cerclage.  This is incredibly risky so late in the pregnancy - it can trigger contractions, or cause an infection (which will cause me to go into labor), or even break my membranes (causing me to go into labor).   But we might not have a choice. I knew this was a possibility.  It's bad enough that my OB hopes we make it to 28 weeks, but that is not certain (28. Who wishes for 28?).  The only hope I have is from a patient my OB told me about - she came in last week with a shortening of her cervix, funneling (yikes), and "sludge."  Took a z pack for 5 days.  Came back the week after, and she had gained all her length back, the funneling was gone, and so was the sludge.  That can be me, right?  Probably not. My track record isn't great so far.
Movement:  Mostly at night.  We have a party animal on our hands.
Food cravings/aversions: 

Symptoms: Just my evolving bump!
Happy or Moody most of the time:  Moody, but that could be because I've been sick for 6 days. And the whole awful ultrasound today.There's not much that is safe for pregnant women to take, so I've been relying on head rubs from my husband and our humidifier.
Looking forward to: Not sure anymore.  I was going to say my 20 week anatomy scan, but we might not make it to 20 weeks.

And of course, can't forget about my two angel babies

Today is day 2 of Capture Your Grief.  From Carly Marie:

Day 2: HEART. Last year, I asked people to post photos of their children on one of the days. Of course with me not giving this enough thought, this excluded all of the people who did not have photos of their children. So this year I wanted to do something that everyone could take part in, regardless of whether or not they have photographs. Today’s subject is inspired by the poem “I Carry Your Heart” by E.E. Cummings. Let’s flood the world with a sea of hearts in honour of all the children that we are dedicating this project to. Who are you carrying in your heart? Draw a heart to represent your own heart and write your children’s names in the center of your heart. If you did not name your children, just draw the number of hearts that you need to represent each life that you have carried. You do not need to be creative to do this, just a simple hand drawn heart will be perfect. You may want to write a little about your children’s stories. Who they are to you and what your hopes and dreams were for them. Share as much or as little as you feel comfortable with. I look forward to seeing all of your beautiful hearts and reading more about your darling children.

I leave my heart open to my boys every day.  I am open to anything and everything that they want to show me.  I told them in the hospital that if they ever needed anything to just let me know and I would die trying to help them.  I am their mama, always.  

My heart is full.  My heart is empty.  My heart never knew love until my babies were placed in my arms. My heart is waiting for the day I see them again. 

I still carry you.

Love you boys - to the moon and back.

Infant Loss Awareness Month: capture your grief, day 1

Carly Marie at Project Heal  is holding a "capture your grief" event in which baby loss mothers take a new photo (or use an old one) everyday with a certain theme in honor of Infant Loss Awareness Month.  I struggled on whether or not I would do this.  I'm no photographer, but Tim did buy me a "mommy camera" for Christmas last year and so it seemed like a good idea to take part in this worldwide event (albeit privately through my blog).

Today's theme is "sunrise." From Carly Marie:

Day 1: SUNRISE. Let us honour the beginning of this healing month by waking up early to watch the sunrise wherever we in the world. This will be a beautifully, poignant way for us all to feel connected and energized for the month ahead. When you go outside to watch the sunrise this morning, don’t just snap a picture and upload it right there on the stop. Take some time to breathe the sunrise in. Make yourself a nice cup of tea and sit down to breathe in the fresh air, the scent of the new morning and all of the colours and sounds. Spend some time reflecting upon your children and your journey so far. Give yourself some time to feel at peace. If there is no visible sunrise in your part of the world because of the weather, don’t be upset, this is life and nature, and it really doesn’t matter. All that matters is that you take the time out of your day to be with us all in spirit. Take a photo of your surroundings, no matter what the weather is like. If you share your photo online make sure you write what State/Country you are in and the time of the sunrise. So google the sunrise time in your part of the world and set your alarm. Send some love out to everyone else in the world who is grieving the death of a child and remember those gone before us who were made to grieve in silence. We honour these people too.


Unfortunately, this sick mama couldn't get out of bed this morning so today I will be using a picture that I took on a vacation in February of 2013 to the Caribbean.  Tim and I called it our "babymoon" - our last big trip before we jumped into the world of fertility treatments.

During our babymoon, I kept thinking that the next time we went on a cruise we would be toting our new baby around, showing him/her places so beautiful that most people never get the privilege of seeing them.  I couldn't wait to see our kids dip their toes in the ocean, knowing that those waters have touched countries all over the world.  

What a bittersweet journey we have been on.  I am so grateful for my boys, and because of them I am able to see life through new eyes and a new heart.  I live everyday for them, and everyday without them.  It is the paradox of being a mother who last held her babies almost 9 months ago.

I do feel bad that I didn't get up early this morning and see the sunrise and take the time to think about my boys.  But today, in honor of the first day of Infant Loss Awareness Month, I drove out to the library in my hometown and made a donation in honor of Conner and Benjamin.  The library will be purchasing children's books and placing a name plate in each book in memory of the boys.

Let the world never forget that there are parents everywhere whose children reside in their hearts and not their homes.  We are not an anomaly.  We are not alone.  I hope that that world begins to recognize us for all the children that we have and love, and not just the children that they can see.

Weekend Review: a wedding, our anniversary, and lots of gatorade

Welp, I’m writing this on my couch, watching the Bears vs. Packers game (well, not really… more like its noise in the background because I couldn’t really care less about football).  I have a blue Gatorade with a twisty top to my right (my favorite), and am bundled up in fleece.  No shower. Hair is a mess. Glasses on.

I’m siiiiiiiiiiick.

Breakfast for the sick.  This is just mine... but I did end up sharing. 

I was so looking forward to this weekend.  Our 3^rd wedding anniversary is this Tuesday, so we were celebrating our anniversary this weekend instead.  We usually try to go on a trip for our anniversary, but our track record sucks so far.  Our first anniversary, we went up to Galena and had a ton of fun eating food and relaxing.  Our second anniversary, we had to cancel our big trip to Colorado because of the terrible flood that they had.  So, at the last minute, we went up to Galena again.  I was pregnant with the boys and nauseous the whole time, so Tim watched a lot of football on the couch and while I puked everything I ate. 

This year, everyone and their mom was/is getting married around our anniversary.  We went to a wedding for one of Tim’s best friends on Friday, and he was a groomsman.  Tim was just starting to get over being horribly sick – congestion, sore throat, cloudy head, pounding headache.  He didn’t want to get me sick, so he ended up taking overtime at the FD (where I hope he didn’t get anyone else sick).  Since he was in the bridal party, I didn’t see him that much and figured that was pretty safe.  I rode up to the wedding with two of the other firefighters and had fun talking with everyone, all the while hoping no one would ask me why I was sipping water while they were pregaming in a parking lot.  Success!  If anyone has guessed, they didn’t say a word. I didn’t get to sit with the other firefighters at dinner.  Instead, I was at the table with all the other wives/husbands of the people standing up in the wedding.  The misfit table.  We didn’t know each other.  We were the dateless.  So the firefighters gave me the sad eyes all night. Once dinner was over and Tim was able to join me, he looked good. Not sick.

STUPID BRA

Then again, I’m no diagnostician.  We ended up leaving the reception early to get me to bed.  The groom was the only friend that Tim told about me being pregnant, so he insisted that Tim get me home and was completely understanding.  Still, I’m feeling like a piece of crap for leaving a wedding at 10 pm.

We didn’t go home.  Since we are so busy with looking for houses, school, work, and going to other weddings (we have another one in 6 days), we opted to spend the weekend in downtown Chicago and well, spend a ton of money.  My kind of weekend.  We had already paid for a hotel adjacent to the Hancock Center (I still giggle when I think that word. I am 12 years old), so we drove down Lake Shore Drive and arrived at this cute little boutique hotel (complete with tiny elevators).  We never did make it to the rooftop bar, but our hotel room was classy and huge. Our night consisted of watching an episode of South Park, reading to the boys, and falling asleep, both of us with sore throats and pounding heads.  Who says romance is dead?

Our hotel

SO close to the Hancock!

Our anniversary weekend was supposed to go like this: sleep in, get brunch, go shopping for baby C on Michigan Avenue, get couples massages, and get dinner at the Signature Room on the 95^th floor of the Hancock Building.  But I woke up knowing I would never make it to dinner.  I took my temperature and didn’t have a fever, so I didn’t call the OB.  I downed a ton of fluids and took two regular strength Tylenol every 6 hours.  I knew I could take it every 4 hours and I could take extra strength, but I’m big on not taking more drugs than I need when I’m pregnant.  Luckily, my own immune system is slowly kicking this virus’ ass (which is more than I can say for my husband).

So what did we really do for our anniversary?  For those of you who have ever driven in downtown Chicago, you don’t drive down there and NOT spend the day there.  The drive is horrendous.  Every turn you take, you think you’re going to kill like 20 pedestrians.  Cars are ruthless.  If you have the balls to drive in the heart of Chicago, you get your time and fun out of it.  So, we did get brunch.  Cheesecake Factory, I love you.

Looking up, directly beneath the Hancock

Love Michigan Avenue!

We did try out overpriced furniture.  That chair was over $2,000.

So sick!

My view of baby

We went window shopping down Michigan Avenue. As much as I wanted to shop for the baby, I couldn’t bring myself to do it with this infection.  If I get a negative culture again in a couple weeks, then trust me, it’s on.  SPEND ALL THE MONIES!!!

Since we wouldn’t be making it to the 95^th floor of the Hancock (hahaha) for dinner, we went to the 94^th floor observation deck instead. Good enough, right?  The views were amazing, and it was a beautiful day out.

I couldn't help it. I needed to purchase this picture. It's on our fridge. So cheesy!

What we were really waiting for were our couples’ massages.  We might have gone home earlier, but I was convinced that a massage would make me feel better.  I booked at Tricoci’s, a spa I used to work at (at a different location).  It was my present to Tim…. and yeah, for myself too.  I mean, a pregnant girl can pamper herself, right???

Right before the massage. So awesome.

Ladies, if you are pregnant – get a pregnancy massage!  This was my first, and I left feeling like a new woman.  My headache was even gone!  I wasn’t lightheaded anymore.  It was amazing.  I’m determined to go again in a few weeks. 

Nevertheless, we went back to the parking garage to drive home.  I had already canceled our dinner reservations and Tim wanted to get me home as soon as possible to knock the bug out.  We get to my car, Tim turns the key and… nothing.  Battery worked, we heard the engine clicking… but nothing.

ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?!

A little note on my car: it’s a 2010.  It only has like 65,000 miles on it. It’s been recalled SEVEN times.  We replaced the starter LAST YEAR.  So Tim calls his mechanic (his dad’s best friend, Tim’s “uncle”), and his uncle goes “it’s that starter again!”  Cue me in the passenger seat, eating leftover Cheesecake Factory, watching my man pound on the starter with a tire iron (per uncle’s suggestion). 

Then the battery dies.

OMG.  Tim was hot.  He knew calling a tow truck was almost out of the question – how the hell does it get into the parking garage?  And then paying for a cab home?  Aw HELL NO.  Luckily, someone driving by was kind enough to jump our car and thank God it was enough to start the car. 

We almost went to the dealer yesterday to get me a new car, but seeing as though we are on the market for a new house I decided to ride this car out (literally) for another year or two.  Besides, I love that it’s paid off. 

Our anniversary dinner consisted of leftovers and White Castle.  I went to bed with a Vick’s humidifier next to me.

There’s always next year, right?

Happy 3rd anniversary to my husband, who goes out at any hour to fulfill my pregnancy cravings, rubs my head when I'm sick, and loves me unconditionally (pajamas, snotty nose, messy hair, and all).  To the hardest working man I know, who has given me everything I've ever wanted and more. To the only person who loves Conner and Ben as much as I do and whose favorite part of the day is reading to them at night. To the man who saves lives every time he is at the FD, builds homes for people, and is always on my side. I am forever on yours. 

17 weeks and BLAH

How far along? 17 weeks
What's happening with  baby?  Baby is about five inches and is about the size of an onion.  Baby is starting to form fat and can be startled by loud noises (such as daddy yelling at the tv during football season).
Total weight gain: No change from last week (2 pounds), despite the box of cheez its in front of me.  I'm trying, I swear!
Maternity clothes?  Nope. Bought another belly band though!
Stretch marks? Negative
Sleep: is what I do in between peeing at night.
Miss Anything?  The freedom to use whatever acne medication I want and not having to pee all the time.  I was at the OB today for less than an hour and used the bathroom three times.  I'm pretty sure I was getting weird looks from people in the waiting room.
Differences between Baby C and Conner and Ben at this point: Actually, not much.  My appetite has increased, which never happened with the boys, so I guess that's something?
Best moment this week:  Cervical check today showed no change since last week - holding strong at 40 (38 with pressure).  Stay high and closed, cervix!
Emotions:  In such a bad mood lately.  I think it's because I'm so worried... I've started the unofficial countdown to get past 22.5 weeks, when I had Conner and Ben.
Difficulties this week:  I've had a low grade fever (about 99.3) all week.  My doctor is not too concerned and I've heard the progesterone and pregnancy in general can elevate temperature.  It'd be so wonderful though if I could just have a week where nothing is going wrong!
Movement:  I stopped feeling this little baby last Friday, which of course freaked me out.  When our home nurse came by yesterday, she checked the baby with the doppler while Tim and I anxiously waited.  She couldn't find the baby at first, but found Baby C after some initial struggle with a healthy heartbeat in the 150s. Baby was moving around, so we kept losing the baby on the doppler but it made me feel SO MUCH BETTER.
Food cravings/aversions: Dairy aversion is back.  Threw up some pizza yesterday.  Yay?
Symptoms: Besides the pregnancy acne, I get winded easily.  Tim stopped by to visit me from work a couple days ago and I was doing laundry.  He said he felt my heart beating when he hugged me.  Apparently, stairs are just too much work for me right now, lol.
Happy or Moody most of the time:  Meh. Just... meh. Breakdowns over Conner and Benjamin have been more frequent.  Not sure if its because I am PgAL and this is traumatizing, or because of my hormones.  I think the former.
Looking forward to: Viability.  Unofficial countdown starts now!

Uh oh, where are your legs?!

***edit:  Seriously.  Just got a call from the OB and we have to treat another infection.  WTF.***

Ow, my butt

Friday marked my first 17p shot for little Baby C.  17p is a progesterone shot that calms the uterus, preventing random preterm labor.  It's unclear whether I need it or not, since my team of doctors believe that I went into preterm labor because of Chorioamnionitis. But since 17p doesn't hurt the baby and insurance pays for it, we figured... eh, why not?

For those of you who have done PIO, 17p is almost the same thing but is done weekly instead of daily.  22 gauge needle, 1.5 inches long, right into the muscle.  It's not so bad, but considering my right side is still numb from the PIO shots that we stopped five weeks ago, I was a bit wary to start again. We are lucky that our insurance is so great, because the pay for a nurse to come to our house to give me the shot.

She was nice.

I mean, she just came back from maternity leave and talked about how awful it is to give birth at 35 weeks, but yeah, she was nice. I just can't stand it when people complain about giving birth just shy of full term to me.  Just the other day, my OB and I were talking about how if I reached 30 weeks, it would be "a dream."  That's horrible, right?  I am due March 5th and I really want to make it to Christmas.

She asked me if they gave me tocolytics to stop my contractions with the twins.  Of course they did, duh.  She said, well, not to be mean, but they don't usually do that because 22 weeks is not viable.

Oh, ok, like she thought it was a waste of resources.

She asked how big the twins were. I said 1 pound, 2 ounces each.  I was really proud when she exclaimed how big they were and how 22 weekers usually never reached a pound.  Yep, they were big boys.  Good eaters.

The shot itself sucked.  No icing this time, and she administered it slow so the needle was in for a good couple of minutes. I kept reminding myself this was for my baby, so it was worth it.  I haven't felt the baby move since that night, but I'm sure this is all in my head. Right?

One down, Twenty more to go.

Whale, whale, whale....(16 weeks)

First of all, I have to apologize for being MIA for a week.  Bad little blogger, bad!  I've been swamped with grad school, work, and looking for houses (but I'll save that for a later post).  While I haven't been blogging, I've also been busy growing a real bump. 

I'll tell you what we have here: a baby bump that appeared overnight.  One that maybe looks more like a baby than an extra helping of spaghetti. I wore yoga pants and a tight tank top for this picture so that you could see what I am talking about, since you can't really tell when I'm in any other clothes. Soon I'll be the size of a whale.  I cannot wait.

How far along? 16 weeks!  The coveted 16 weeks, when mom can finally stop shopping (or in my case, window shopping) in the sea of gender neutral clothes (which are, in my opinion, extremely boring).
What's happening with  baby?  Baby is the size of an avocado (mmm guacamole).  Ears and eyes are starting to move into their final positions. And my favorite - baby is growing toenails. Tim told his sister when the boys came out, the first thing he saw was feet with little toenails.  What he wouldn't do to save those little feet.
Total weight gain: Two pounds. Uterus is measuring perfect at 16 weeks. Doctor is happy with that, but he did make a joke about how I shouldn't be afraid to eat and that it doesn't look like I eat much.  Tim said I like I eat a lot of expensive things.  What I didn't tell the doctor was that last night between 11 pm and midnight, I ate a peanut butter sandwhich, a grilled cheese, and a piece of pizza. And three bottles of water.
Maternity clothes?  Just a belly band for now
Stretch marks? Nada, but I'm not really paying attention either.
Sleep: Still staying up late and waking up late.
Miss Anything?  Eating dinner without barfing.  I've been sick almost everyday this past week.
Differences between Baby C and Conner and Ben at this point: Big one - a few days ago, I started feeling Baby C move!  I have been feeling little kicks and tumbles ever since.  With the twins, I was 17 weeks and 6 days before I realized what I was feeling were the babies moving and not gas. They say when you are pregnant the second time around, you are more attune to what those movements are.  I knew what to look for this time, and little baby is moving as I type this (probably because I am also eating pineapple pizza).
Best moment this week:  Debating between the gender scan or feeling this little one move for the first time! OB appointment went really well.  Cervix is high and closed and my OB is really happy that the 17p shots start tomorrow.  He said once I got to 28 weeks, he could start to relax a little bit.  It was kind of nice to hear a doctor so concerned about this baby. Also, even though we are not done with prenatal screening yet (second blood test is next week), our chances of genetic abnormalities are extremely low - everything came back at less than 1%.  I can't remember all the numbers except that Trisomy 18 was 1 in 8,100.  I hope that with the next (and last) screening, we have great news as well.
Emotions:  Is anxiety an emotion?
Difficulties this week:  I'm afraid once we announce this pregnancy, people will forget about Benjamin and Conner even more than they already have.  We invited close friends and family to a memorial at the hospital that happens in a couple weeks, and no one is going.  Some people didn't even bother to respond back to me about it. Those boys deserve better.
Movement:  See above. Hell yeah!
Food cravings/aversions: Not really discriminating anymore.  Depending on the time of day, everything is good or everything make me want to barf.
Symptoms: Still haven't been called for that Proactiv/Noxema/Clearisil commercial yet.
Happy or Moody most of the time:  Moody.  Poor husband.
Looking forward to: Our pregnancy announcement... maybe this weekend?

OK.... I know you have all been waiting for this gender announcement.  Please don't hate me, but I have decided that we're going to keep that a secret until we tell our family and friends that we are pregnant.  I think the guilt of keeping this baby a secret from them is catching up to me.  I hope to tell you all soon!  I will say this though - this little baby WOULD NOT STOP MOVING.  I was pretty sure we weren't going to get a read and we would have to wait until next week.  I kept trying to guess the gender while this little baby kept bouncing around.  But finally, we saw what we had finally been waiting for.  I even let Tim take me to Babies R Us afterwards.  AND I finally took that Babies R Us catalog from the OB's office home today.

Hey, thanks for pressing your legs together during the gender scan. 

15 weeks

How far along? 15 weeks!  Although, all last week I kept thinking I was 15 weeks so this pregnancy is dragging!
What's happening with  baby?  Baby is about 4 inches and is about the size of an apple.  S/he can sense light and his/her taste buds are beginning to form.  Lanugo might be developing now as well.
Total weight gain: OB scale said two pounds today, but this tends to change on a day to day basis.
Maternity clothes?  Not exactly.  I finally found my belly band a few days ago.  I told myself I'd buy a new one for this pregnancy and put my old one away from when I was pregnant with the twins, but it seemed right to use this one.  I like being reminded of the boys.
Stretch marks? Nope.
Sleep: I've turned into a night owl - falling asleep around 1 am and getting up around 9 am.  I need to knock it off!  But I don't need to nap anymore which is SO GREAT.
Best moment this week:  You can't really tell, but my belly is starting to pop.  I can feel my uterus - it's hard just like it was with the twins. Having a little tiny bump makes me feel closer to this pregnancy.  It's something tangible to hang on to.
Miss Anything?  Ben. Conner. Always.
Differences between Baby C and Conner and Ben at this point: Not much, actually.  Symptoms are about the same as it was with them at 15 weeks.  Belly is just as big... not sure what to make of that, lol.
Emotions:  I had my first breakdown over the weekend over something really small.  Then Tim took me shopping and it was all better, lol.
Difficulties this week:  Had to go to the OB without the hubby.  I don't want him to go every week with me, because taking that time off of work is difficult.  But I hate going into the ultrasound without him... I'm afraid I'll get bad news and I'll be all alone.
Movement:  Baby C is moving away!  I told the little nugget that s/he better be moving for me today in the ultrasound.  Then I had a birthday cupcake from yesterday, went to the OB, and there s/he was, jiggling and dancing.  S/he is in a totally different position than last week, which made me feel better.
Food cravings/aversions: None.  I really have no interest in food until its bedtime, which could be another reason why I'm staying up so late - I've been eating at like 9:30 pm.
Symptoms: Um, I need to be in a Noxema commercial.
Happy or Moody most of the time:  Moody now, for sure.
Looking forward to:  GENDER SCAN NEXT WEEK!  I also said that I would be comfortable with a pregnancy announcement after the gender scan, so maybe that is coming up soon, too :)

No longer a mermaid, but looking like s/he is ready for Halloween.  These pictures where the baby is facing the ultrasound wand just crack me up.