10 weeks

Celebrating 10 weeks with Baby C and the end of PIO shots!

It has been a struggle for me to acknowledge that all of this is happening, even after months of waiting for the FET cycle and the extreme want and almost need of getting pregnant.  But I think back of all the pictures I have of my pregnancy with Conner and Ben and how I carefully documented everything.  I don't regret it, and in fact it just means more to me because I will never have more pictures of them.  They will forever be frozen in time.  If I lose this baby, I would like to have pictures and mementos of the time that I had him/her.  If I get to bring this baby home, I'll be glad that I celebrated weekly milestones. So, here it goes....

How far along? 10 weeks!  1/4 of the way there! Keep growing little baby!
Total weight gain: Nada.  But please explain to me how I haven't gained an ounce but my jeans won't zip up???
Maternity clothes?  Nope. But my yoga pants tempt me everyday (and I don't do yoga).
Stretch marks? None (yet). But I am sure that Baby C will be a fat baby, and I'm waiting for the stretch marks to come.
Sleep: SO GREAT.  I've been sleeping like a rock.  And yesterday, for the first time in months, I did not set an alarm because I didn't have to get up at 6 am for a shot!
Best moment this week:  See above.
Miss Anything?  Sushi, poached eggs, and tequila. 

Differences between Baby C and Conner and Ben at this point:  With the boys, I was usually sick around 1 pm - horrible headaches and nausea.  I would usually have to lay down until dinner time and I'd barf about 2-4 times a day. This baby has me more fatigued and a bit nauseous, but no headaches.  I maybe only have to puke about 1-2 times a day.    Also with the boys I had horrible pregnancy acne, but this time around is hardly noticeable.  

Emotions:  I'll admit that this pregnancy has been a huge reminder of what I have lost.  I wake up every morning and say hi to Conner and Benjamin, but now its with strain and sadness.  I touch my belly and remember what it was like to have two in there. 

Difficulties this week:  Went in for prenatal screening Monday, results came in today - I have a bladder infection.  WTF. I was totally asymptomatic.  I know this isn't a big deal, but it is just one thing after another after another... enough with the infections already!!!! To some this is not even worth mentioning.... but as a baby loss mom with too much experience in the infection department, every little thing is freaking me out right now.
Movement: Supposedly little Baby C is moving around constantly, but of course it is too early to feel anything. 
Food cravings:  Chocolate.  Can't have it though, since dairy makes me sick. 
Symptoms: Fatigue and Nausea, nothing abnormal.  
Anything making you queasy or sick: Dairy for sure, which limits a lot of my food choices. It's especially hard because I am craving cheese and chocolate! 
Labor Signs:  Yeesh, no!
Wedding rings on or off? On.  Well, technically off. I only wear mine when we're going out somewhere. 
Happy or Moody most of the time:  Moody.  Bitchy, to be exact. 
Looking forward to:  Our next ultrasound in two weeks.  Little Baby C will look like an actual baby by then instead of a flattened froggy. 

Weekend Review

Four things happened this weekend.  I realize that none of these events are extraordinary, but the entire weekend took an emotional toll on me.

1.  Miranda got into trouble
2.  Went to a wedding
3.  Saw my mom
4.  Read bedtime books to the boys

Miranda
Ok, so this might be the one thing that didn't bother me emotionally.  Kinda.  Saturday morning, I took Miranda for our daily (sweaty) walk.  A neighbor tried to give her treats.  Miranda got scared, cried, and hid behind me.  You can't take this girl anywhere, I swear.

And then I let her out into the backyard. You know, to pee.  Not kill.

I called her to come back inside.  I could see her chewing on something.  I assumed it was her frisbee.  I told her to show it to me.  She promptly and proudly picked up whatever she was chewing on and walked it with the stance of a lion to the deck.  I went to go see it.

A baby bunny. With a bite taken out of its side.

No words except OMG. Easter is ruined for everyone, kiddos.

I called Tim and he went into the backyard to clean it up.  Turns out it wasn't a baby bunny, but instead it was an adult rabbit that was beheaded by our dog.  We found the head at the back of the yard, next to a bird she had also killed.  She's a sweetheart like that.

If you're a dog owner, this isn't a big deal.  Dogs do this.  If you're not a dog owner then I should probably add here that Miranda really isn't dangerous.  She just likes.... to kill stuff.

Kill bunnies?  Who, me???

Wedding

Our pastor warned me that this would happen.  He said that there would be some days when I just wanted to be happy and have fun, and Tim wouldn't understand it.  He said there would be days that Tim was in a good mood and I would be angry because I was grieving alone.  It happened for the first time on Saturday.

We went to a wedding, and I got all dressed up, got my hair done, and took an insane amount of time on my makeup (which ended up not looking any damn different from any other day).  I was excited to see friends and dance and just have a good time.  I even had a plan on how to make it seem like I was drinking when in fact, I wasn't (hold a glass of pineapple juice. Everyone thought I had some girly fruity cocktail.  Plus I'm an idiot anyway so maybe I seemed drunk).  

If Baby C is a girl, I hope she has my hair. It's the only thing I like about my looks and I got it from my mama. 

Dinner went well and we took pictures in the photo booth. Tim proceeded to show people pictures of the dead rabbit.  Men, I swear.  He was so proud. It was turning out to be a good night.

Thanks for wearing that hat, Tim. Now we can both be Asian.

Trying to put a mustache on my butt. 

And then nothing. He kept asking me to leave (and this was HIS friend's wedding).  I could tell something was wrong so I said okay, let's go. We walked out.  He said he was depressed and didn't feel like celebrating, which got me upset.  We hardly ever have this kind of time together. He had been working late for weeks and I was just excited to spend a night together.  Being a firefighter's wife means that 1/3 of your life is spent without your significant other, and you go to bed alone.  You wake up alone.  I got all dressed up and he didn't even ask me to dance.  He wanted to go home and read to the boys.  I wanted to go out and have fun.  I realize now that this is just one night of probably hundreds that we will have throughout our life.  He will want to have fun, and I'll want to sit at home and cry over the boys.  I'll want to go out and have a good time, and he will want to sit home and think about our sons.  But this was the first time it happened and I didn't know how to deal with it.  Eventually we talked it out but I know we will struggle with this for a lifetime. 

Saw my mom

My mom was walking around and talking like she's never been sick.  It's the first time I've heard her voice in months. Its awful to see her and try to spend time with her, knowing she can't talk back. She's four weeks out since her last chemo treatment and her last radiation treatment, so she was feeling a lot better.  We sat around and talked and spent time with my niece.  As usual, because she is a shopaholic, she raided her closet for shoes and purses that she hasn't used in awhile and threw them at me.  I left with a new pair of sandals and two coach purses.  And new towels.  And two bags of clothes for my other niece that Eva doesn't fit in anymore.  My mom is the kind of person who will buy things just because they are on sale and then she doesn't know what to do with them.  Department stores love her and probably know her by name. Because of this, I rarely shop.  Thanks mom!  

She gave me old coins that she thinks will be worth money one day.  She said she was saving them for Conner and Benjamin.  Ugh. Break my heart.  I'm going to put them in their nursery. 

Today she has chemo again.  September 15th will hopefully be her last chemotherapy.  It killed me to leave knowing that I was leaving my mom and that the next time I would see her, she would be sick again.  I'm waiting until she is done to announce Baby C.  By then, we will know if this baby is a girl or a boy. 

Read to the boys

We read to the boys every night.  When I was in the hospital with them, I promised them that I would.  We still consider it our time together.  There is a picture of them across from our bed that I stare at while we read.  Yesterday night, Tim was at the fire department so I was left alone to read.  For some reason, yesterday was harder for me than most nights.  I bawled my eyes out while I read.  I just kept imagining my sons looking for their mommy and not being able to find me.  

And now it's Monday.  Thursday marks 10 weeks pregnant, and I will finally start taking pregnancy pictures. I didn't start until 10 weeks with Conner and Ben so it didn't seem fair or right to do it any earlier with this baby.  I feel like 10 weeks is a milestone.  My MFM said she believed we would be looking at a viable pregnancy if I reached 10 weeks.  It was also at 10 weeks that we had our pregnancy announcement with the twins.  I'll be 25% done with this pregnancy.  I'll also be DONE WITH PIO.  Over the weekend, the swelling from the progesterone was pressing on a nerve and I lost feeling in my right leg.  Thursday, we will be celebrating a milestone and the fact that I won't be putting 1.5 inch 22 gauge needles in my ass anymore.  

I hope you all had a wonderful weekend!

This is a marathon, little froggy

Just and update from yesterday's appointment: the culture came back negative.  Thank. God.  The infection itself is harmless when treated, but if it is recurrent it can slowly start to aggravate my cervix and cause contractions.  But today, in this moment, that isn't a problem.  Lots of decisions need to be made in the near future and many things can go wrong along the way, but today we had a small victory.

And now, because I can't stop thinking about frogs:

Must get this raincoat for Miranda.  Must parade her around the neighborhood. 

Images courtesy of Pinterest

Weekend Review and hello little froggy!

My weekend was wonderfully boring, which I love.  Tim had a bachelor party to go to on Saturday and I was feeling incredibly nauseous, so I took up residence on my couch and snuggled in with some fruit for dinner.  Later that night, I mentioned that I wanted a plain hamburger from McDonald's and low and behold, my husband came home early at 11:45 with a bag of McDonald's for me.  He snuggled in with me in bed instead of going to the next bar with the boys.  "What better way to spend a Saturday night than in bed with my wife?" he asked.  If that's not commitment, I don't know what is.

My Saturday night

As soon as I turned 8 weeks, I noticed that the pregnancy symptoms I had with Conner and Benjamin around 5 or 6 weeks were starting to manifest.  I'm not as nauseous as I was with them, but I'm definitely sticking to bland food now.  Pregnancy acne isn't awful, but I'm starting to notice it.  And the weirdest symptom I have ever had appeared over the weekend - my eyes hurt in the shower.  I can't even explain it... when I was pregnant with the boys, my eyes were sensitive when water hit my eyelids.  I was showering on Sunday and the same thing happened.  It was deja vu, but also weirdly soothing because I knew that any pregnancy symptom I had indicated that Baby C was still there.

On Sunday, Tim taught my niece how to properly kick a soccer ball and after ten minutes, she was a pro. I got to talk to my dad about my grandfather passing, which gave me a little peace. The rest of the day was spent couch surfing and contemplating what to have for dinner (salmon, rice, and veggies for me and Baby C, pasta and chicken for him).

Today I had my first ultrasound with my OB.  The ultrasound tech offered her sympathies about the boys.  I told her what happened and she was in shock.  She remembered my last ultrasound, saying that my uterus was high and closed and the boys were absolutely perfect. Lady, you have no idea how perfect.  I was almost in tears, but I was so glad that she wanted to talk about them.

And then little blobby was on the screen, with a perfect heart rate of 176 bpm.  Little blobby now looks like a flattened frog, so we are now calling him/her little froggy. The relief I felt when I saw that heartbeat is indescribable.  As soon as I heard it, I knew it was faster than last time.  Little froggy is squirming away and looks perfectly happy in its little squishy world.

A nurse I have never seen before took my history before the OB came in.  She asked me if this was my first pregnancy.  No, it wasn't.  It was my second pregnancy.  Did I having children at home?  No, I do not have children at home.  Were the boys a miscarriage or an abortion?

Fuck you, lady.  Read my chart. 

I was playing with my wedding rings and my ring I got for Mother's Day.  I didn't know how to respond to her.  Were those my only options?  They died, I said.  They were premature.  Oh.  How many weeks?  22.5 weeks.  Were they twins?  What gender were they?  How much did they weigh?

Cheese and rice.  She must be illiterate. 

Walking out the door, she poked her head back in the room and asked me if this was a singleton this time.  Yes.  She winked at me and said, "good."  GET OUT. 

I've never been so happy to have a nurse leave the room before.  My OB and I discussed a possible cerclage.  Ultimately, it is my decision.  We don't know if I need one, and placing one in if I don't need one is very risky (including a higher risk of infection, which is scary after losing babies to Chorioamnionitis).  But if I do need one... well, I better get one.  The big issue is that I had no symptoms of an incompetent cervix at all, but chorio and cervical incompetence often (but not always) coexist.  My MFM is also leaving this up to me.  I would go on and on about the pros and cons of the cerclage, but truth be told I am sick of thinking about it. I've been thinking about it since January and there are still no clear answers.  The few people I mentioned it to all seem to have opinions that I am not interested in, because they are neither doctors nor have they ever been in my position.  When did people start thinking they were qualified to give medical advice on things that they have never experienced themselves? And really, who wants to give medical advice?  I sure as hell don't.  I don't want that kind of responsibility.  Yet here I am... with a huge choice to make.  I have a little time to decide what to do.  Until then, I am hoping God gives me guidance on this.  Actually, I'm hoping he sends me a signed letter on what to do with this one.  I think it's incredibly unfair that I have to be in this position in the first place. My boys should be alive. Baby C should be waiting until next spring for a transfer and a safe pregnancy. 

Tomorrow I get my culture results.  We think the infection is back.  I'm trying my hardest to protect little froggy but this is proving itself to be very difficult.  

Can it be Saturday night again?  

Happy 8 weeks, blobby. I am freaking out

We are 8 weeks pregnant today, Baby C. Our MFM believes that if we make it to 10 weeks, we will be looking at a viable pregnancy. I have already decided to opt out of prenatal testing for you, like with Conner and Benjamin.  I haven't had it in me to take a belly picture yet.  It is too late to take a "before" picture - you are already starting to show.  Either that, or I am eating way too much, which is highly probable since you are not giving me any nausea.  Thanks, by the way.

I am freaking out. I am too scared to announce that you are making your appearance in just over 7 months.

People will treat you like you are my first baby.  You are my third.  I won't be having a baby shower, because I cannot stand the thought of people treating me like this is my first pregnancy.  They'll ask me questions and be all over my belly and I'll be thinking, "no one is asking me how it was with Conner and Ben."

People will think that I feel better now that you are coming.  Like now that I have you, I can stop grieving over your brothers.  They'll think, oh, now she will be having a real baby.  Well, screw them already.

They will think that since we were trying to get pregnant, we were obviously moving on with our lives.

I've been doing a lot of psychological research on subsequent pregnancies after loss, mostly because I am curious and also because it is part of my graduate research for my thesis project.  Women who get pregnant less than one year after their loss show signs of PTSD, clinical depression, and pathological anxiety.  So, it turns out that getting pregnant doesn't make you feel better. It makes you feel worse.

But, little blobby, I don't want you to think that I don't want you.  I love you already.  I'm going to try to be the mother I wanted to be to your brothers; the kind of mother that Conner and Ben could be proud of.  I just wish that I could have you and have your brothers, too.  Or, because I know I can't have that, I wish I could have you and have the people in our lives recognize that you are our third baby and not our first.

I know that I'm jumping the gun and assuming this is how people will act.  But we've learned a lot about how people think after we lost your brothers.  They asked if their memorial brought us closure (it didn't).  They said I would feel better if I had another baby (how the hell would they know?).  They never recognized me as a mother.  I'm like an eclipse.  They won't look directly at me.  People have called losing your brothers a miscarriage.  No.  They breathed and moved and made noises and I have their birth certificates and social security cards and I labored and all that shit for days and I gave birth to them.  People don't realize that your brothers lived. I guess they don't think those two and a half hours counted.  What is the cutoff, then?  Can someone tell me what counts as life?  Two hours? Two days?  Two weeks?

When we tell our friends and family about you, I want the same reaction we had with the boys - excited screaming, phone calls back to back, our phones blowing up with people offering their congratulations.  I have a feeling people will be more cautious this time.

Nevertheless, happy 8 weeks Baby C.  We are still anxiously awaiting your arrival.  Someday the world will know you are coming... whether that be in an announcement a few weeks from now, or whether that be through phone calls when I'm in labor.  I guess the only thing that is really important is that you know all about your brothers and you recognize the life they had in them as well as the lessons that they still have to teach us. I think that you'll be a better person because of them.

** I should probably add here that in no way do I want to minimize the impact of a miscarriage. The grief would overwhelm me, too. I simply feel that when people say I miscarried that they are not acknowledging what really happened.**

Weekend Review: 45 year anniversary of Apollo 11

Look, my weekend was incredibly boring.  It really isn't worth writing about.  The highlight of my weekend was choosing to eat cheese and crackers for dinner last night and watching The Last Ship with my husband.  I did get to visit my best friend who I've known for about 20 years and that was great, but I don't think you guys care about the gossip we shared and the food we ate. So, luckily there is something to write about that I love: yesterday was the 45th anniversary of the first moon landing. And by write about it, I mean post a crapload of pictures for you.  In another life, had I been male, good at math, and an excellent test pilot, I would have been an astronaut (although had I been alive in the 60's and early 70's I'd actually most likely be a bra-burning civil rights activist).  I heart you, NASA.

Love you to the moon and back, my sweet Conner and my dear Benjamin.

Pictures via Buzzfeed and NBC news

Hello, little blobby thing

Well, we had quite the scare today.  The nurse started with, "it's a girl, she's not cooperating."  We couldn't find the baby for like, 20 seconds but in my reality it took about 30 minutes.  I was sitting there thinking, ok, this is it, it's over.  No baby.  But then there s/he was, just a tiny bit bigger than on Monday, and according to Baby Center measuring about the size of a raspberry.

And then came the heartbeat, down to 127 from the 188 bpm it was on Monday. I could immediately tell the difference as soon as I heard it. The nurses told me not to worry and that the heartbeat fluctuates.  127 bpm is normal for 7 weeks pregnant.  But of course, I was freaking out again which prompted my nurse to stick the probe in me again and find the heartbeat for a second time to make me feel better.  All this medical science and technology in 2014, but the dildo probe has yet to be replaced with something thinner and less violating. But I shouldn't complain, because they can stick whatever they want in my hooha to check on my baby.

I went home to check out Conner and Ben's baby book.  At 5.5 weeks, their heartbeats were 110 and 109. At 7 weeks, they had jumped up to the 170's.  Great.  So my boys' heartbeats increased, and Baby C's has decreased.  I know they told me not to worry, but I've heard that before...

Nonetheless, little blobby was looking great.  I say blobby because that is all s/he looks like to me, although supposedly s/he is starting to look more like a baby and less like a tadpole.  When they checked the heartbeat the second time, heartbeat was 129 bpm.  A slight rise, but not much. While most people might not think twice about this, a baby loss mom never settles down. 

I saw my mom today. She is walking around better and starting to eat solid food again.  I was so happy, but I know that this is short lived with her chemo coming right around the corner again. 

I'm still struggling on when to announce this pregnancy.  I would really like to wait until the 16 week gender scan.  That is when I predict I will start showing, albeit slightly.  I didn't start showing much with the twins until around this time.  It would be fun to announce a gender with the pregnancy, and by then my mom will be completely done with chemo and this mess with my grandfather dying will be behind us.  But, I feel guilty since my brother now knows about the pregnancy along with my sister in law and well, all of you.  I feel like I kinda cheated my family and friends of knowing about Baby C.  So, I think that I'll just sleep on it.  One day, when I wake up and feel like it's the day to announce, I'll do it.  For now, since I'm ambivalent, I'm not going to think about it. I'm just going to sit here, eat a cheeseburger, and see what happens.

Have a great weekend!  Love, Krystal and little blobby