8 months!!!

8 MONTHS

Weight: A little over 16 pounds (16.2), which means no changes from last month
Length:  About 26 inches (measuring myself is tougher than it looks, squirmy)
Head:  Um. Your headbands fit better.
Clothing size: Still in 9 months, although I find you quite frequently need 12 month pants - but only because baby leggings are SO TIGHT!!! You hate changing clothes now, and you wish you were naked.
Eye color: Who knows these days? I think predominantly grey, but sometimes green. Sometimes brown.
Hair: PIGTAILS. As if you couldn't get any cuter.
Nicknames: I say "boocakes" so much that you might be beginning to think that is your new name. Babyboo is still going strong as well.

EAT

Your new favorite food? Puffs. I don't blame you, they are good. You especially like the puffs that taste like veggie dip and are finger shaped. Well, they're my favorite, anyway. I admit I sneak some when you're eating them! You feeding yourself is just about the cutest thing ever, next to your pigtails.

SLEEP
We may have started a bad habit... when we went on the cruise, you were sleeping in our bed with us. I just hated you sleeping in a pack and play because I didn't think it was soft enough. Plus, you just had a tougher time falling asleep on vacation. You didn't want to miss a single thing. When you were in bed with us, you slept soundly. So we would get all the pillows and blankets away from you, and your daddy pretty much didn't sleep because he was watching you all night. Now, whenever you get up at say, oh, 5 am (something that only started happening once we came home from vacation), we bring you to bed with us for another hour or two. Once you realize that mommy and daddy are not going to get up, you go to sleep, too. Never fails. But, yes, I should probably stop putting you in our bed.You sleep, but we don't. Daddy watches you in bed, and you are so busy kicking me that I wind up staying awake, too.  It's just so freaking cute. You roll over and touch your daddy's face, then roll and snuggle with me. You fall asleep for a minute, wonder if your daddy is still there, and then roll and touch his face. Then you think, wait, is mommy still here? Then you roll to touch my face. Pretty soon you've got one hand on each of our faces and then you fall asleep. I wish someone could record this for us, but it'd be pretty weird to have someone in our room at 5 am.

LIKES
Puffs. You could seriously eat these all day, every day.

Baby pools. Took some getting used to, but then you realized that pools are your jam. Plus, you look so cute in baby swimsuits.

Peekaboo. All day, with whoever will play with you. You especially love it with your cousin E, and when you play at church pretty much everyone looks for the giggling baby.

Pumpkins. You love to try to lick them, and even when they don't taste good, you keep going back for more.

"ew...."

Fruit. Our main waiter on the cruise always brought fruit out for you. I would let you lick and suck on it during dinner. Then on our last night of the cruise, you took a big chunk out of the fruit. I watched to see what you would do (with paramedic daddy right there), and you chewed and swallowed. Then took another bite. My God, I thought. SHE'S NOT A BABY ANYMORE!!!

Singing. Well, listening to me sing. More notably, The Wheels on the Bus, Old McDonald, and If You're Happy and You Know It. We have to sing these songs so much, we start making up words (The Jordan on the bus goes "hi! hi! hi!"; "and on that farm he had a frog! e-i-e-i-o!")

DISLIKES
The ocean. This broke the heart of your mommy, who planned your ocean nursery with love. I think the waves were just too scary that day. They were just about pushing everyone over and you were terrified. Maybe next time? All the more reason to go on another cruise!

A very unhappy Jordan

"MOM!! NO!!"

Shower stalls. Bought an inflatable tub to bring on the cruise. Blew it up. Stuck it in the shower stall. Popped you in the tub. You screamed. I ended up holding you, every day, in the shower, while daddy basically hosed you down with the shower head.

Getting your diaper changed. This is new. Haven't heard you scream about this since you were a newborn. Only singing "The Wheels on the Bus" will get you to lay still long enough to change your diaper.

Changing clothes. UUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGHHHHHHH. I think your brothers have a onesie that says "I love being naked" somewhere. I think it's time to find it for you.

Nurseries. Tried dropping you off twice on the cruise. The first time was just for an hour, for a trial run. We picked you up and you were sobbing. The second time was on our 4th wedding anniversary so we could see a comedy show. It was during your bedtime. Dropped you off. No tears. You were only like 20% awake. They gave us a phone. I watched it like a hawk, hoping they wouldn't call to tell us we had to come get you. The opening act came on, and he was hilarious. We got a couple drinks and relaxed. The main act came on. Ring, ring, ring. And we went to go get our boocakes. By the time we made it up there, your face was red and swollen from crying. Right in my arms you went, and you were laughing. Smart girl, you are.

ACCOMPLISHMENTS
Feeding yourself. Puffs, of course. I'm not brave enough to give you the spoon yet.

Pulling yourself to standing. Well, holding onto my hands. But still. This could be one of your favorite things.

Understanding "no" and other words in general. This doesn't mean that you always listen. Sometimes you hear me say "no," and smile - then quickly go back to doing whatever it was that I said not to do.

Crawling. You technically started doing this last month, but now you are super quick. You're trying to crawl with your belly off the ground, and you always start in that position. You rock back and forth before finally giving in to gravity and army crawling

High fives. You give them to everyone on command, and daddy is so excited to have taught you that!

DEAR JORDAN

Dear boocakes,

This month was a lot of learning and exploring, for both you and for me. You learned how to crawl better, stand stronger and longer, and feed yourself. You learned to understand words. You went apple picking, pumpkin picking, and on your first big vacation. I learned that you need to learn how to share (you don't do so well with sharing with your cousin P), so I really need to be a better example of that, and that I seriously need a nap. But we have started to explore the world together, something I've always wanted to do with my kids.

We made it through our first big vacation with you. Your first plane ride, your first cruise, your first beach, your first trip to the nursery, your first big girl bite of food. We brought you home and you seemed so much bigger. Of course, you weren't, but we learned so much more about you while we were in the Caribbean.

You handled traveling to Florida like a champ. We woke you up to change your diaper and get you in the car at 4 am. You were so happy. Like, hey, mom and dad are finally on my schedule! Then every chance you got, you would turn to me in the car with your eyes super wide and a half-sleepy smile on your face. An adventure! We got to the airport with just enough time to get through the monster security line (we caught it just in time for them to whisk us away to a new security line, which without it we would have never made the plane). You made it through security (good job not packing any pointy objects, Jordan), nursed well at the airport, and then fell asleep just as the plane was taking off. Upon waking up, you were happy to watch the world out the window and watch the tiny tv on the seat in front of us. You fell asleep as we were landing. We made our way to the hotel, ran some errands (who can resist an Old Navy?), and you fell asleep right on schedule. Day one, down. Bring it on, day two.

The cruise ship itself was amazing. We went on the Oasis of the Seas, the largest cruise ship ever made. There were tons of things for you to do - Dreamworks parades, meeting Dreamworks characters, baby splash zones, making your own stuffed animals, open play areas for babies, a carousel, and your very favorite - the ice show. You couldn't take your eyes off the ice skaters. I'm really excited about this, because we can sign you up for ice skating and I get to put you in pretty, glittery outfits.

The beach was another thing, though. You hated it. I had daydreamed about putting your feet in the ocean since before you were born. We finally got to do it, and you screamed. You cried. We finally gave up, and you were super happy to sit in the shade on a beach chair and people watch. I'm not giving up on the ocean just yet, though. We've already booked our next cruise.

We had a different kind of vacation. Lots of keeping baby occupied, adjusting to ship schedule, lathering you up in sunscreen, adjusting the rayshade on your stroller, and taking care of baby without the comfort of home. We couldn't do excursions, drop you off at the nursery, or eat dinner without a little girl trying to get all of our attention. But it was a better vacation. We smiled more. We watched you explore the ship in wonder. Everyone on the ship was in love with you. Seriously. People knew your name. Not many babies or kids were on the ship since it was the beginning of the school year, and the people who work on the cruise lines go months and months without seeing their own children. So, you were royalty. And you ate it all up. You made friends in the open play areas in Adventure Ocean. You soaked up the sun and water on the pool decks. You snuggled up all day, every day with mommy and daddy.

And then the plane ride home was a disaster. But let's not talk about that.

I learned one big lesson this month during our vacation: we can do anything with you. I got sick with first few days (norovirus?), your dad was still injured, and we somehow made a great vacation out of it. And I think it was because you make us so happy, and we love making new memories with you.

Here's to many more.

Love,
Mommy

MONTHLY PHOTODUMP

I know I'm cute. Take a picture, mom!

Zoo day!

I drive this stroller, mommy!

Piggy tails!

Your favorite part of the zoo - the fish! Time for an aquarium trip!

YOU LOOK LIKE A TODDLER. 

OMG, enough pictures, mom!

I don't know what this is, but it's awesome. 

I'm ready to pick some apples!

Um, mom, why are we in the car at 4 am?

United Walkway at O'Hare, 5 am. Wide awake - well, Jordan is, anyway. 

Playroom on Oasis of the Seas - your favorite part of the whole trip!

Boardwalk on Oasis

No sailaway kisses, mom. How embarrassing. 

Like, a quarter of our ship. Couldn't fit it in the picture. 

Mexico!

Boardwalk on the ship

Oceanside selfies

Seriously, mom, we had a talk about the kisses. 

Gonna watch Inside Out on the largest aquatheater at sea! Also, how big am I???

Aquatheater

The ice skating show was the bomb. 

You had a bajillion anchor outfits, with matching accessories! 

Labadee, Jordan's first beach!

Playroom was still your fav - and don't forget another anchor outfit!

Carousel on the ship

Central Park. I remember your daddy and I taking walks down Central Park during our honeymoon cruise!

Windswept hair

Towel animals!

Hey mom, if you don't mind, I'm going to wake up so I can spend the night under the stars with you. And no, you can't have that drink. 

High fives from Gloria!

Jordan met the Madagascar Penguins. She's part celebrity now. 

Infant Loss Awareness Month, Healing, and Moving

via Google

Ah, my neglected blog.

A few days ago, Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month began. Like last year, I fully intend to immerse myself in Carly Marie's Capture Your Grief. Also like last year, instead of posting every day I will probably post every few days with multiple subjects. I am so thankful for this project, as it brings me back to this space to write and reflect about my boys. I am desperate for this time to write about them, as I feel as though I am moving so far from them.

Forgive me, though, as these posts will probably come late. I am frantically catching up with work, trying to finish my master's degree this month, and running after a very mobile Jordan. And I am doing this all while packing up our house.

We got a full price offer on our house. We jumped on it, of course. Our lawyer signed papers for us while we were out of the country. We close in four weeks.

I am so many conflicting emotions about this. We moved into our current home because Tim had residency requirements when we got his new job at the FD. We had to live in this city for 5 years, and we pretty much came kicking and screaming. We had just built our first home along the river, and a month after moving in Tim got the call from the FD with the job offer. He had to take it. So, as we were still unpacking, we put our brand-new house up for sale. We spent almost two years building it and only lived in it for 10 months.

So ever since we moved into our current home, I've been dreaming of leaving it. And now we are. We flew back home from vacation today, I walked into our home, and an overwhelming feeling of sadness came over me. While this was our second house, this was really where we built our lives together. Our first home saw our engagement, us bringing home our puppy, and then saw us leave. Our second home, the one we are in now, has seen so much more. It was our home when we got married. We had three kids in this house. It was where I planned not one, but two nurseries. It was the only home Conner and Ben (sort of) lived in. It was where family and friends brought food, hugs, and love when Conner and Ben died. We brought Jordan home here. We had Christmases here. Birthdays. Thanksgivings. I started my blog here. Four years here, and endless amounts of love has been shared in these walls.

We haven't found a new home yet. Well, that's not true. We did, and lost it to another offer. That's a long story... I'm really too heartbroken to get into it. But I know our forever home is waiting for us. I just hope we find it soon.

Moving on. Moving forward. Moving out.

instagram

Whew! I have had many comments and emails regarding keeping in contact with me if/when this blog ends. I fully intend on responding to everyone individually when I get some time, but for now I am posting my instagram info here, since so many of you asked. You can find me at: krystalg930

I don't have much posted there right now, but maybe I'll start using it more frequently as it is much easier to use than blogger :)

7 months

Weight: 16 pounds, 4 ounces
Length:  According to my measurements, no growth since last month, shorty!
Head:  I have no idea how to measure this, so we're waiting for your 9 month check up!
Clothing size: 9 months, all the way. Except the other day when you wore baby leggings, size 12-18 months. Explain to me how 9 month shorts are big on you but leggings need to be made for a one year old?
Eye color: Same.
Hair: Same. Man, this really making out to be a boring update, huh?
Nicknames:  More or less the same - I've started to call you "boo" and I can't decide if I mean "Boo" from Monsters, Inc. or "boo" like some weird terms of dating endearment. "Babes" is really popular right now, too.

EAT

Breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Just like mom and dad, your favorite is breakfast. Your dad even tried your cereal the other day...mixed with breastmilk. "Not bad," he declared.

SLEEP

7:30 pm to 7:30 am. You still hate napping, but how much do I want to mess with that considering you sleep 12 hours a night?  The answer - not even a little bit.

LIKES
Once, your cousin E told me that eventually you would not like things that lit up anymore.  She was right.   It's not that you don't like toys that light up - you still do, but now you've found that toys don't necessarily have to do things for them to be fun.  For example, I think your favorite things right now are water bottles. Not the fancy kind that are reusable, but the Ice Mountain kind that comes right out of the fridge. You happily gum on the bottom of them and when we take it away, you scream. Yeesh.

I mean, seriously, can we talk about the things that amuse you?  We painted a pot for your Uncle P as a housewarming gift (well, I slopped some glitter paint on your feet, stuck you in your bumbo, and let the good times roll). You cared not at all about the paint or the gift we were making, but instead focused all of your attention on the fact that your baby wipes were right. next. to. you. You kept reaching and grabbing for them and your face lit up every time I took a wipe out to clean off your feet.

Also on your list of likes - paper towels. The damp ones I use to wipe your face during mealtime, to be exact. You hate the actual act of having your face wiped, but the paper towel fascinates you.

You love listening to the church band play, and will happily gum on whatever toy I give you and listen.

Toys I bought for you awhile ago that you had no interest in are suddenly the best things ever, like the electronic book that plays the most annoying music ever (sorry, but it does).

You love being tickled, watching cars drive by (especially the garbage truck and school bus), and starting random conversations with your feet.


DISLIKES
School. Grandma takes you there to pick up your cousins when she is babysitting you, and apparently you scream your head off the whole time. No one approaches you, but the crowds of people picking up their kids (and probably the actual kids running out of school) annoy you to no end. Your cousins try to calm you down on the way home, which works sometimes. My mission is to get you used to crowds and noise, because someday babykins, you will need to be part of all of this. Although you are okay in church with all those people and loud music, so....

You get aggravated when you can't get a toy to do what you want it to do and scream at it. I try to mimic the high pitched scream you have, and you think it is funny. Then you scream some more.

We recently found that you do not like men, although you love your daddy and seem okay with your Uncle P. Otherwise, it's screams for miles and miles and miles.

ACCOMPLISHMENTS
Basically all the same stuff, but way better. For example, you can sit for a much longer period of time. You can drink from your sippy cup without getting all wet. You can play peekaboo with your blankie, and you think this is hilarious.You are talking way more now, and the other day it sounded like you said your cousin E's name. Three times. While you were with her. I also think you've said "hi" to me multiple times. It definitely sounded like "hi" but I have yet to determine if this was on purpose or not. You've tried saying "hi" to other people when they say hi to you and it sounds more like "ha," but it is the. cutest. thing. ever.

About a week before you officially turned 7 months old (okay, it was September 6th, 2015 - who am I kidding? I know the exact date), I saw you belly crawl to a toy. It wasn't far, but I still squealed with joy - much to your utter confusion. The next day, we went over to your uncle's house and you played with all of your cousins, who urged you to crawl and I kept thinking "she won't do it again, especially after I told people she could do it." And then you did it, again and again and again, and I even got it on video.  Tummy crawling counts, babykins. You can crawl!  Although, you will only go so far  - if the toy seems too far away, you roll to it instead. And you will only go as far as you have to go - you'll army crawl to a toy and when it is still just out of reach, you'll stretch the rest of the way to get it. But still, I am so proud of you!

Guess who could stand holding onto something without mommy's help? JORDAN (duh). The day after you started crawling. I can barely keep up with you!!!  You hold on to your sit-to-stand walker very well, gnawing on the handle the whole time.

DEAR JORDAN

Dear babykins,

I can hear you in your room right now, talking to your daddy while he gets you dressed for today. Our mission? To go out to breakfast and then to the mall, where you will encounter crowds of people. Look, babes, the crowds love you. You need to learn how to love the crowds.

So many things are happening right now.  Your daddy is on light duty, having been hurt at the FD.  I am finishing up my master's degree. Our house us up for sale. We have our heart set on a house in one of the best school districts in the state, on an acre of land where you can run around and play to your heart's content. We have big dreams for you and want to give you the very best.

But at the same time, I know that as you get older you will get hurt. You'll fall down, get your heart broken, lose people you love, and feel left out. I won't always have magic words to make you feel better. I just hope that you remember how much you are loved, no matter what happens. Horrible things happen in life, and they shape who you are and who you will become. Do not let the negativity change you for the worse. Allow them to shape you for the better.

If at any point you do not know your worth or have lost your way, remember the two people that will always love and and do anything for you: me and your dad. And if you're at that age where going to your parents is "uncool," you've got some "cool" aunts and uncles who will also do anything for you. Not to mention the plethora of family members and friends who love you with all their hearts.

This is a little deep for a 7 month old, huh?  But I hope one day you read all the letters I have written you when you need a little pick me up. And right now, I'm going to literally pick you up while I still can.

I love you, my babykins-munchkins-babyboo-babes.

Love,
Mommy

P.S. Your first word better be "mama."


Monthly photodump

Give me that camera!

See my feet???

We brought our baby... to a bar. Everyone loved her.

Her first ponytail!

ponytail aftermath

Brought her to the university... she's so big. 

Good book, Jordan?

Long legs!

Pigtails!

We love the mall, especially when daddy gives mommy his credit card!

Like this, mom?

Straight chillin.

Yummy!

Rubber ducky love. 

Decisions

So life has been pretty, well, insane lately. I always  mean to blog and keep up with everyone, but other things get in the way.  Right now, our house is up for sale and with the constant stream of people coming in and out, I am constantly cleaning. Throw in a very mobile 7 month old and a dog that sheds bucket loads everyday, and every spare second I have goes to cleaning. Tim is still off duty and to be honest, I don't even want to talk about it, which means it MUST be bad because this blog is my place to vent and let out whatever is on my mind. I am trying to finish my master's degree, and we are talking about a possible FET in December.  Jordan refuses to wean and yeah - my time is spent.

I don't want to have a pity party, so I will let everyone know that I'm happy. Our house is up for sale because we are finally in a position to get our "forever home." Jordan is still a mommy's girl and I love every second of it. Tim is hurt but the important part is that he will get better. We have 7 embryos still waiting for us, and I get to go back for all of them when the time is right (one at a time, of course).

Back to the point of this post.

I started this blog because I wanted to talk about Conner and Benjamin freely. It was, and still is, a place for me to share my boys, think about them, grieve over them, love them, and reflect. It has been the single most important part of my healing, next to my husband. I also loved that by sharing my story, I could possibly bring some sort of comfort to any other mother going through a similar loss.

But I'm looking through my blog and it has evolved into something for Jordan. I hope it brings hope to people who are still looking to expand their family after loss. However, at the same time I just don't think this is really what this blog is supposed to be about. But my life is in a different place right now, and I just am not writing about Conner and Benjamin the way that I should. It's not that I dont think about them constantly and include them in everything I do. They are my sons and I love and miss them. I haven't moved on. But life has taken my writing in a different direction.

I am taking some serious time to reflect on whether or not I am going to say goodbye to this blog, this sacred space to me. In the meantime, I am still planning on posting, but I did want to write a note here letting everyone know that this may come to an end unless I can justify not writing about Conner and Benjamin.

The support I have gotten here still means the world to me, and even if I decide to stop blogging I am hoping that I still maintain the friendships and connections I've made through other avenues (instagram? email? Not FB, screw FB).

Love to everyone.