So life has been pretty, well, insane lately. I always mean to blog and keep up with everyone, but other things get in the way. Right now, our house is up for sale and with the constant stream of people coming in and out, I am constantly cleaning. Throw in a very mobile 7 month old and a dog that sheds bucket loads everyday, and every spare second I have goes to cleaning. Tim is still off duty and to be honest, I don't even want to talk about it, which means it MUST be bad because this blog is my place to vent and let out whatever is on my mind. I am trying to finish my master's degree, and we are talking about a possible FET in December. Jordan refuses to wean and yeah - my time is spent.
I don't want to have a pity party, so I will let everyone know that I'm happy. Our house is up for sale because we are finally in a position to get our "forever home." Jordan is still a mommy's girl and I love every second of it. Tim is hurt but the important part is that he will get better. We have 7 embryos still waiting for us, and I get to go back for all of them when the time is right (one at a time, of course).
Back to the point of this post.
I started this blog because I wanted to talk about Conner and Benjamin freely. It was, and still is, a place for me to share my boys, think about them, grieve over them, love them, and reflect. It has been the single most important part of my healing, next to my husband. I also loved that by sharing my story, I could possibly bring some sort of comfort to any other mother going through a similar loss.
But I'm looking through my blog and it has evolved into something for Jordan. I hope it brings hope to people who are still looking to expand their family after loss. However, at the same time I just don't think this is really what this blog is supposed to be about. But my life is in a different place right now, and I just am not writing about Conner and Benjamin the way that I should. It's not that I dont think about them constantly and include them in everything I do. They are my sons and I love and miss them. I haven't moved on. But life has taken my writing in a different direction.
I am taking some serious time to reflect on whether or not I am going to say goodbye to this blog, this sacred space to me. In the meantime, I am still planning on posting, but I did want to write a note here letting everyone know that this may come to an end unless I can justify not writing about Conner and Benjamin.
The support I have gotten here still means the world to me, and even if I decide to stop blogging I am hoping that I still maintain the friendships and connections I've made through other avenues (instagram? email? Not FB, screw FB).
Love to everyone.
Hi lovely lady. You've probably read my blog where I struggle with the same thoughts. I just recently had a friend reach out and tell me that even if I do talk about my daughter to be, it's ok to do that, even if the blog was designed to spread happiness for Preston... because sharing my daughter, does just that.
ReplyDeleteKeep in mind that grief is a roller coaster and that everyone grieves differently. There's no doubt in my mind that you think about your boys every day, even if some posts are more about Jordan. I'm sure they are happy to see you have happiness in your life.
And, I think it's a nice thing to see that there is hope after loss. That happiness can exist. I think that when you do have your tough moments, and that you share them, it's a nice reminder that I'm not alone in feeling this way even though more than a year and a half have come and gone since my loss.
But whatever the case may be, this is your decision, and I support whatever you need to do. Just know that I will always carry Conner and Benjamin in my heart. And that you my friend, have made an impact on my life. And for that, I thank you <3
I actually did think of you while I was writing this. Thank you for saying all of this - it makes me feel better that the last 7 months of my writing has primarily focused on Jordan and not the boys. You've had a huge impact on me too and I know that even if I stop writing here, we will be in touch!
DeleteYou could always do what I did and create a Jordan blog and keep this one for the boys? I don't blog on my IF/Jack blog very often but try to come up with something meaningful related to IF and loss every so often. Keeps me feeling connected to the journey as well as staying focused on the present....
ReplyDeleteSide note...you're on IG? Text me your name on there :)
I was thinking about doing that, but I think I'm so swamped anyway that I don't know if I could keep up. Texting you shortly about IG!
DeleteI'm so sorry that you're struggling with this. I understand that you may need to find a different way to sort through and share your feelings and I fully support your decision, but I hope that we can find some way to keep in touch! I don't get on here to comment often, but I've been getting your updates by email and I would miss hearing about you guys.
ReplyDeleteI'd also like to say that you have been a great friend to me through my blog. I will never ever forget that <3
I would definitely love to keep in touch! I have your email and you have mine. I'll be checking in on everyone who has a blog every once in awhile, too. You've been a great support to me and I will never forget you, either!!
DeleteYour blog has followed life's natural course... Connor & Benjamin were the center of your life. And naturally, that changed with Ms. Jordan - that's not a bad thing, either! They will always be in my heart (especially when we read Snuggle Puppy!!) and I know that, even though they may not be the focus of everything in the blog, or in your life, I know you carry them with you every moment...
ReplyDeleteGiven that - this is your blog, and if it was most cathartic to write of them here, leave this as their space - create a separate AllThingsJordan blog (which I'd follow in a heartbeat! that cutie patootie!)
And if you feel your blogging and outlet needs have been satisfyingly met, you might be ready to close this chapter... (But boooo - no facebook?! I don't have IG... DON'T LEAVE ME!!! lol)
Thank you for saying that. I really do carry them wherever I go, and still say good morning and good night to them.
DeleteNo FB!!! I don't see myself every getting one, either :( BUT BUT BUT we have email!!! And of course, I would still check in on your blog!!!
I have learned so much about you and your family through your blog and what you guys have/are going through. I would be selfishly sad to see you stop writing in it but I totally get why that might not be the right thing for you.
ReplyDeleteI will be thinking about you and sending big hugs your way no matter what you choose!
I understand how you feel. I have enjoyed getting to know you and following your story through the blog and, while personally I would love to see you keep blogging I totally understand your reasoning and why you might step away. I've had moments I've felt like stopping myself. Your kindness and support has really touched me and I'm glad to have met you in the blog-o-sphere.
ReplyDelete