Weekend Review and Capture Your Grief catch up

This weekend was Tim's 28th birthday (so old, right?).  He was at the FD that day, so I just stopped by with this amazing pastry tray.  Said it would feed 20-30.  It fed four firefighters and one pregnant girl. Whoops. Guess I dropped the ball on that one, huh?  I had a jacket, new shirt, and new shoes waiting for him in my closet and I finally got to get rid of them. We also got the worst massages ever, but how was I suppossed to know they would suck?  I really need to step up my game next year.  I suck!  

We went to the pumpkin patch to get our boys' first pumpkins.  I always imagined bringing my twins to this pumpkin patch, somewhere Tim and I have been going annually since our first year living together. I imagined them sitting in the wagon, climbing on top of pumpkins, and picking them out. Conner and Ben couldn't do that, so we did it for them.  It was a bittersweet day. 

New birthday jacket!

Conner and Ben's pumpkins!  We tried to get matching ones.

Baby C's first pumpkin.  Stay tuned to see how I decorate it!

Can't forget Capture Your Grief catch up!  Love to my baby boys. 
Day 16: Retreat

I took a non-traditional approach to this topic.  I find comfort and peace when I travel with my husband, but no ordinary person can just hop on a plane every day. My retreat that I can turn to consistently is my blog.  It is my outlet, my diary, and my journey.  It has given me support and gifts that I never could have imagined.  Thank you all for being a part of it.

Day 17: Explore

Can grief and healing co-exist?  I think they must.  The grief of losing a child, or in my case, children, never dissipates. It never ceases.  There is no break from it.  But I find ways to honor Conner and Benjamin's lives, and it helps me to heal.  Just because I am striving to live my life to the fullest does not mean that my life will ever be full.  One of my life goals is to travel the world, a little at a time.  We have started taking bits and pieces of our journeys home with us for the boys, starting with sand and seashells from California and Bermuda.  What we see, they see,  What we experience, they experience.  They are always with us.


Day 18: Gratitude

It seems odd to consider myself lucky.  But I am lucky.  We had time with our sons.  We have pictures. We have footprints.  We have hats, blankets, and other carefully chosen items placed in their memory boxes. They were baptized.  Our parents got to say goodbye to their grandchildren. Everyday, I am grateful for what I had with them.  God chose me to be their mother.  No one else could love those boys like I do.  Two hours with them is worth more to me than a lifetime with another baby.  I am blessed.  I am thankful.  I have gratitude that they are now in the kingdom of Heaven.

Day 19: Give

Ben's puppy and Conner's giraffe, during one of the first and only times I was able to leave my hospital bed. 

What have we done for others in memory of our boys?  Donated to the NICU.  Led a family team in the March for Babies, bringing in over $12,000.  I find myself desperate to help other premature babies, simply because I could not help my own.  This Christmas, together with our families, we are donating outfits to our hospital's NICU and donating stuffed giraffes and puppies to the children's hospital in honor of Conner and Benjamin.  Their lives were short, too short.  But they will continue to make a difference in the lives of others.  My babies - my inspiration.

20 weeks: Anatomy Scan

I'm just now realizing I'm wearing the exact same thing as last week. HAHAHAHAHAHA. Oh man. Mama needs some new clothes. Notice my shirt riding up?  Only my belly band is hiding that belly now!

How far along? 20 weeks
What's happening with  baby?  Baby is about 10.5 ounces (although I'm convinced this little girl weighs more).  She is about 10 inches long, about the size of a banana.  Baby girl is producing meconium.
Total weight gain: I think two pounds this week. The nurse forgot to weigh me, and I wasn't about to remind her!
Maternity clothes?  Nope!  I'm kind of surprised.  And yesterday we went out and people said they couldnt really notice I was pregnant.  Interesting.
Stretch marks? Nope.
Sleep: I can't get enough of it.  I probably sleep ten hours a night.  But, unlike with the boys, I do not have to nap during the day.  Those little guys sure were a lot of work!  And totally worth every second.
Miss Anything?  Miranda got sprayed by a skunk yesterday, and with my heightened sense of smell, you can imagine how bad it was.  I would really like to have a normal sense of smell again. Everything makes me nauseous.
Differences between Baby C and Conner and Ben at this point: I can breathe!  I know that sounds so weird, but Conner and Ben were side by side, up and down.  At around 20 weeks, maybe earlier, they were crowding on my lungs. I hyperventilated A LOT.  But with just one baby who definitely transverse, the only thing she is crowding on is my bladder.
Best moment this week:  Can't even count. So many people are excited for this baby.  I told my OB today that I have been feeling her since 15 weeks, 4 days and that Tim has been able to feel her for weeks.  I also tend to feel her all day, every day now.  Every 1-2 hours I can feel her moving away.  The ultrasound tech is always talking about how active she is.  I was so proud when the OB said how rare that was this early for me to feel her all the time, and that it was a good sign.  Also, my cervix gained a whopping 5 mm!!!  The highest its been since I was 8 weeks pregnant!  He says I'm doing so well that I don't have to come in every week anymore, but upon seeing the terror on my face, he said we could do them weekly until 24 weeks.  So glad baby girl is doing well. Go little girl, go!
Emotions:  Pretty bitchy, not going to lie.
Difficulties this week:  Infant Loss Awareness Day yesterday.  Tug on my heartstrings.  I keep wondering how I will incorporate the twins in this little girl's life without her feeling jealous, overwhelmed, or like she isn't as important. Also, my ultrasounds wouldn't be ultrasounds without a bit of bad news, right?  Anatomy scan was great, and baby girls looks perfect - except that her head is only measuring in the 10th percentile.  The rest of her body is in the 50th or so percentile, so her head has some catching up.  My OB thinks that her head will be more proportional in a couple of months and that we should not worry, but yes - her head is right on the edge of not normal. So we have to go back for growth scans at 24 and 28 weeks.  If she has not caught up by then, we have to run some diagnostic tests.  I am hopeful, but you can imagine the blow that was to me today.
Movement:  As we speak, her kicking makes me want to pee.  I feel her almost all day now.  With the boys, I felt that about every 3 hours.  I will probably start writing down when I feel her move now.
Food cravings/aversions:  Aversions?  HAHAHAHA.  GIVE ME ALL THE FOOD.
Symptoms: Dare I say... my pregnancy acne is clearing up?  **knock on wood**
Looking forward to: Getting past the 22 week mark.  Getting to 24 weeks.  Getting to 28, 30, 32, and 34 weeks.  I just hope she comes home with us!

Hi baby. 

Are those not the sweetest little toes you ever did see???

Infant Loss Awareness Day and capture your grief catch up

Day 10: Support

 

I have received support in the most unfamiliar  places and people - online loss forums, complete strangers who have shared their loss stories with me, and distant friends who have become like family.  We have found the most support in my sister in law, who next to us, probably misses the boys the most.  We've lost friends who think that they understand our situation better than we do when in fact, they have never had anything this devastating happen to them before.  We have distanced ourselves from people who didn't have the patience for our sorrow, shyed away from conversation that had to do with our babies, and believed that it was time to "move on" and that we cannot be sad any longer. My life is filled with people who truly love us and our boys, and we aren't wasting time on people who told us they would be there and no longer are.  Thank you, Conner and Benjamin, for giving us the gift of a true support system in our lives.  Thank you for making us see who is worth keeping in our lives and who is not.

My biggest support, though, is my husband.  We laugh and cry together.  Some days, I think he hurts more than I do over our boys.  He is the only reason I keep taking steps forward.  Together, we take one day at a time.  Through thick and thin, forever and ever.

Day 11: Altar

Every room in our house is filled with Benjamin and Conner.  Their pictures grace our walls, their nursery has been left untouched, and our love of them fills every square inch of air. But there is one spot in particular that has significant meaning for me: their picture in our bedroom, above seashell candles and a vase filled with reminders of the beach.  We had planned out to take them to Hawaii for their first birthday and imagined our little boys running up to the water and shrieking in delight.  I'll never be able to look at another ocean without thinking of them. I see the water and wonder how many shores it has touched before finally reaching my feet, and I think of how Conner and Ben are free to roam to wherever their hearts please. Every morning, I wake up and it is one of the first things I see. I say good morning to that picture every day.  When we read to them at night, they watch over us.  I look lovingly at their picture as I say goodnight.

Day 12: Music

I've written about this before, and it is definitely worth mentioning again.  Dixie Chicks Godspeed always reminds me of my boys.  It never fails to bring tears to my eyes, even 9 months after we lost them.  My father in law and the church band played it at the boys memorial. I remember playing this for Tim for the first time - we were still dating.  I explained to him that I didn't know why I loved it so much, but it just spoke to me.  He remembered that when I played it for him again and asked him if we should play it at their memorial.  He immediately started to cry. If ever there was a perfect song for two sweet little boys, it is this one.

Day 13: Season

Christmas 2013, few weeks before they were born - one of the last pictures all four of us would be together.

Every season reminds me of my boys. I think about all they are missing now - the colors of the leaves, pumpkin picking, and playing outside in the crisp, cool air.  I think of the summer they missed - the long days, the clear nights, and the trips we took.  I think of the spring that they were supposed to be born in - cool and breezy, the Easter Sunday I cried and grieved for them, and my first Mother's Day.  But most of all, winter reminds me of my boys.  They were born during one of the coldest winters on record.  It is only now, months out from when I last held them, that I see the beauty in winter.  We are surrounded in white, the coldness brings everyone together in huddles, and the best nights are the nights spend curled up on a couch. The holidays, the lights, and the time to reflect is something that we only find in winter.  My babies were born four days after my birthday, and I am only now beginning to appreciate how those dates and that winter brings us closer together.

Day 14: Dark/Light

Via La Dolce Vita

Words cannot adequately describe the emotions that I experience everyday without my sons.  I feel polarized and uneasy; I feel thankfulness and grace.  I feel grief and guilt; I feel happiness and peace.

Losing your children is the worst experience in the world.  I am torn apart daily.  I feel jealousy when I see family photos, knowing that mine will never be complete.  I feel anger at my body, blaming it for a premature delivery.  But at the same time, I feel thankful that we had the time we had with our boys. No one else can call them theirs. They are mine, all mine. God gave me the best two little boys in the world, the strongest little boys I know.  I rest easy some nights knowing that they are in heaven and at the same time, I lie awake thinking that they need me.  I fear that this will always be my reality.  There is no rest until I can be with them again. 

Day 15: Infant Loss Awareness Day

Today's topic is actually "community."  We lit candles for them that smelled like the beach - our favorite being "Aloha Waikiki," in honor of where we were going to take them for their first birthday.  We lit candles in our home and in their nursery.  I stared at their nursery for a long time, imagining two little boys stealing pacifiers from each other and laughing at the other one playing with trucks.

I would give anything not to be lighting those candles every year.

We lit candles for other babies gone too soon - Claire, Ava, Jack, Samantha, Staci, Preston, Nathaniel, Petey... the list goes on.  I stared at all of those candles, in awe of how many we lit.  I still cannot believe how many innocent and precious babies are stolen from this world.  We are part of a community no one wants to be in.

Thank you to everyone who lit candles for our babies last night.  Your support means the world to me.  I cannot even adequately express how every candle lit last night filled me with hope and happiness.  Thank you for making this mom's night just a little more bearable.

Weekend review and baby announcement (finally)

Baby announcement

Ok, so technically this didn't happen over the weekend.  We went Thursday night to see our parents and then sent a message to all our friends.  I felt ready after we got the great news from our ultrasound, and I knew if I didn't act on it right then that I would back out of telling everyone again.

Apologies for the bad picture. I cropped just our "branch," and the lyrics on the tree are from Dixie Chick's Godspeed from the boys' memorial. 

First stop was my mom's house. We brought them a family tree, and of course Baby C was included. She saw it right away (unlike when we tried to announce our twin pregnancy and it was like everyone got illiterate all at once).  She cried.  She told us that she had been praying every night for us to have another baby and that she prays every night for Conner and Benjamin.  She said she still can't look at their pictures without crying (and then, of course, looked over at their picture and started crying).  But she was so happy.  Of course, my dad was yelling about his excitement (and wants the baby to come March 29, his birthday.  Not gonna happen, old man. I would be like 44 weeks pregnant).  My mom is already talking about buying the crib and how I have to wait to go shopping so she can come with in a few weeks. I was having reservations about telling everyone because I didn't know what reaction we would get.  Tim said it was good that we told her last night - she needed the good news. She immediately got on the phone with her sister to tell her the news as well.

Next stop, Tim's parents.  Same deal - family tree, his mom noticed "Baby C" right away, lots of excitement (minus the crying).  Also, I ate a peanut butter oreo cookie. I am in love.

Messages went out to all our friends (except my sister in law, who I called).  Our phones blew up all night. No one seemed surprised that I was this far along.  Did they expect me to wait longer?  I feel like I am smuggling a pumpkin under my shirt. I did go out with some girlfriends on Saturday, and they assured me I was not a whale.

Since our big secret is out, I've decided to make this blog public again.  It was private for two reasons: one, I didn't need people in my life judging me and making rude inferences on what this blog is actually for (and we all know its for my boys), and two because I did not want to tell anyone we were pregnant yet.  Well, haters gonna hate and the secret's out.  So, maybe this blog can help more people once it goes public again.

Conner and Ben's 9 month birthday

My baby boys are 9 months old in heaven.  I just cannot believe it.  How has it been 9 months already? We bought them new books, as per tradition, and went to Olive Garden for dinner.  Coincidentally, we ran into my sister in law with her family there, and they were all so excited for Baby C.  The whole night was a mix of excitement for baby and honoring Conner and Ben.  We ordered desserts and made wishes for them, and I so wished they were here to join in on the excitement for their little sibling.

Halloween books for their birthday this month!

I am so thankful for her support in all we have been through.  I went to see her on Sunday and we caught up on the last 19 weeks of this pregnancy and talked about Conner and Ben and how much they are missed.  She's always been standing in our corner and I love her so much for that (in addition to other things).

This Wednesday the 15th is Infant Loss Awareness Day.  People all over the world are lighting candles in memory of their little babies.  We are asking our friends and family to join us in lighting candles for Conner and Benjamin.  If any of you would like to light a candle for them, it would mean so much to us.  We are also having people send pictures of the candles to us so that I can add it to their scrapbooks.  You can send the picture to ctbmsullivan@gmail.com. 




Oh, I guess you all want to know if Baby C is a boy or girl, right?

You all guessed.  So this won't surprise you.

Baby C is a girl.

Conner and Ben are guardian angels to their little sister.  I'll be sure to warn her future boyfriends that her brothers are always watching.

Capture your grief days 6-9

Day 6: Books

This may be my favorite.  As many of you know, we read to Conner and Ben every night.  We read a little from a children's Bible, and then we read two children's books.  I had my boys for two nights before they were taken to the funeral home and I was discharged.  On the first night, I had my arm around my boys who were carefully tucked in. Through tears, I told them I would still read to them every night like I had planned to had I been able to bring them home.

The first book we ever read to them was on the day they were born.  They were tiny little Bibles, clearly for babies.  We laughed as we read to them - seriously, the Old Testament is NOT meant to be read to babies.  Never. I mean, even the abbreviated versions are pretty bad. I kept saying that this was highly inappropriate, but Tim insisted it was okay.  I've since switched to a more kid-friendly version of the Bible.

Among our favorite books to read to them are the Llama Llama books.  There is a line in Llama Llama Red Pajama that reads, "Mama Llama's always near, even if she's not right here."

If anyone is interested, you can also find a list of books I have read about loss here: http://xobenjaminandconnerxo.blogspot.com/search/label/Books

Day 7: Sacred Place

Easy.  Ben and Conner's nursery.  It is where I go to think about them, cry, and look at pictures. Their bookshelf is in there, so I visit their nursery almost every night.  Even when I have bad days that have nothing to do with them, I find myself in their nursery.  It's going to be extremely difficult to renovate this room (which is why I am in a rush to move into a new house before Baby C is here - so I don't have to feel like I am putting a new baby in their room).

To see more of their nursery, go here: http://xobenjaminandconnerxo.blogspot.com/2014/04/the-nursery.html

Day 8: Resource

So many.  My main source of comfort has been through thebump.com or babycenter.com and their corresponding loss boards.  I've "met" and connected with so many other loss moms through these boards, and I will never be able to thank them all for the support they have given me (especially Kristin, Erica, and Kate).  Although I so wish we had all connected under happier circumstances, this journey somehow seems a bit more bearable because I know I am not alone.

I've also found comfort in other blogs, such as:

Spread Happiness for Preston
I can't even begin to start on how Cat's writing affects me.  She is wonderful. Every time she writes, I feel the raw emotion that she is experiencing.  Her little Preston has such a great mama.
Where is Baby Payne
Kate's journey through IF and loss has touched me, and now we are on this journey of being pregnant after loss together.  You can tell how much she really loves her little Jack.
Diary of a Little Chicken
Why do I love Chicken?  She's not afraid to be angry in her blog.  She tell it how it is - the good, the bad, the ugly.
Claire Bear of Mine
Kristin lost her baby girl around the same time I lost my boys, and for the same reason - Chorioamnionitis.  We really have a special connection, and my heart breaks for her every time I read her blog.

Day 9: In Memory

There are so many things I have done in memory of my boys, such as writing their names at every beach we go to, writing them letters, donating to the NICU at the hospital they were born at, participating in the March of Dimes, planting a garden in front of our house, having trees planted in their memory, donating to the library in their names, and getting a ring with their names on it (all of which I've chronicled in this blog).  

I never plan to stop.  I have many things coming up (which you will see soon).  I want their lives to make a difference.

Today is a good day to announce what I have been working on in grad school.  I am taking my last course in Theoretical Psychology, and I plan on having my researcher project done by the end of spring 2015.  I had a big chunk of my research done, and then I lost Conner and Ben.  I took two semesters off of school.  I came back, but only to change my research topic to cover perinatal grief.

Perinatal grief has not been studied much, and currently there are huge gaps in the literature.  Why is this problematic?  Perinatal loss includes miscarriages, stillbirths, and neonatal losses.  Thousands and thousands of women each year experience perinatal loss and find themselves with a lack of support and resources, both personal and professional. We lost our boys and found that hardly anyone knew how to be there for us - not medical professionals, and not our family or friends.  Historically, women were told not to talk about their pregnancy losses.  Even now, it's almost like a taboo subject.

So, I talk freely and openly about my loss.  Maybe that will help lessen the stigma of perinatal losses. Hopefully my research will help to cover the gaps in knowledge that exist in perinatal bereavement. Someday soon, I may ask some of you to participate in my research. I do this to make people aware of what baby loss mothers are going through.  I do this so that psychologists stop ignoring the very real grief that parents experience after losing a pregnancy.   I do this all in memory of my boys.

19 weeks

How far along? 19 weeks
What's happening with  baby?  Baby's senses are developing and may even hear my voice (poor kid).  Baby is about 8.5 ounces and is about 6 inches long, about the size of a tomato.  Vernix caseosa is forming to protect the baby from getting all wrinkled from the amniotic fluid.  I remember Conner being born with a ton of it on him! Baby may start really sleeping this week.
Total weight gain: I think the scale said plus 1 today at the OB's office, which is right where my OB wants me to be.  However, you can only imagine how hilarious (and not so hilarious) it is to gain a pound or two a week after not gaining an ounce for a long time.
Maternity clothes?  Nope!  Luckily it's hoodie weather, so I've been depending on those.
Stretch marks? Nah not yet.
Sleep: Little baby is a party animal and is up all night.  I have been up since 1:30 am, nervous for the ultrasound today.  I think this calls for a nap later.
Miss Anything?  Dairy. Cheese. Milk. For goodness sake, I just want some damn cereal.  I have become lactose intolerant for this pregnancy!
Differences between Baby C and Conner and Ben at this point: Not much, except that I never had to hide my belly with my boys.  Right now, I am desperate to hide this until I get a good time to tell my mom we are pregnant first.
Best moment this week:  THE OB APPOINTMENT TODAY!!!!  Not only did my cervix measurement improve, but I gained every single mm back and I am back at 40!  Plus - no sludge!  Thank you God for Z-packs.
Emotions:  Up and down all week, waiting for this appointment today. But now I'm ecstatic!  Baby shopping, anyone?
Difficulties this week:  Slowly saying goodbye to Conner and Ben's nursery.  I really am having a hard time thinking I will have a different baby in this room.
Movement:  We can feel (and see) Baby C from the outside now!  Tim felt the baby just a few days ago and it put the biggest smile on his face.  Baby is moving away as I type this, but much like Conner and Ben, stops moving the minute I put my hand on my belly.
Food cravings/aversions:  Want dairy.  Can't have dairy.  Baby is also loving some spaghetti (like really, really loving it - we have it once a week and I have leftovers for lunch). It's pretty awesome, since spaghetti is both cheap and easy.
Symptoms: Oh you know, just going through the stages of the produce department in my belly.
Happy or Moody most of the time: I'm having the biggest mood swings lately, and its not attractive. Tim has been doing his best to ignore them. Poor guy.
Looking forward to: Our baby announcement, this weekend!  We were going to do it tomorrow, but tomorrow is the boys' 9 month birthday.  So maybe Sunday.

Fuzzy face shot, anyone?

The longest blog post ever: weekend review and capture your grief catch up!

My blog posts are slowly becoming recaps of a bunch of things all at once (sometimes unrelated), and I apologize for that.  I would really love it if my life were more simple and the categories of my life were more clean cut, but nah, that will never be me.

First of all – I THINK my mom had her last chemo treatment!  She is being tested again in a few weeks to make sure everything looks good, and if it does (please God), then we can focus on her recovery.  I spoke to her on Thursday and she said she was already feeling better and was just happier thinking that the end was in sight. Thank you all for your support and prayers.  I don’t know most of you, but believe me when I say that you have all touched me so much with your encouragement.

After the bad news from the ultrasound on Thursday, I wrote my blog post and went to make dinner.  As I was walking down the stairs, I saw Tim pulling into the driveway.  He could tell that he couldn’t make me feel better on the phone, so he took a full sick day at the fire department (even though he only had 12 hours left on his shift) to spend the night with me.  We didn’t talk much about the ultrasound, but just having him home made me feel so much better. I love this man.

Saturday was my cousin’s wedding.  It was great to catch up with some family who were in town from Georgia.  Plus, I’m realizing as I get older that it is an increasingly small world – we got sat at a table with Tim’s old friend from high school and one of the other firefighters was there (his girlfriend is my cousin’s new sister in law).  It turned out to be a great night.  Afterwards, we stopped by my best friend’s house for her surprise 30^th birthday party.  Are we really getting that old?  I guess it never really hit me how close I was to 30 until I hugged her and told her happy birthday.  I’ve been best friends with her since the 2^nd grade. I’d love to say we have changed a lot, but we’re still kids at heart. I’m learning to embrace 30 as it draws closer. Besides, 29 has been kind of a shitty year.

Gotta love the photobooth!

We were on our way home Saturday night when we witnessed a huge crash right next to us.  The car next to us was turning left on a green arrow, and some other driver in an SUV (clearly drunk), rammed on his gas, blew the red light, and slammed right into that car turning left.  The car was clearly banged up (not sure if it is even repairable), and the SUV lost his freaking tire. The driver of the car got out to survey the damage, thankfully and surprisingly unhurt.  I should have written down what kind of car that was, I should get one.  It clearly saves lives. I watched the SUV continue to drive – at least 50 mph – and I was like – OH GOD, he can’t stop!  But then after about 5 seconds, I realized that he was choosing not to stop. He was fleeing the scene.  So naturally, Tim and I followed him.  I say naturally because Tim is a sucker for adrenaline.  It was pretty easy. We were in my hometown so I knew the streets backwards and forwards and knew which streets to take in order to catch up with him or cut him off.  Plus, he only had three freaking wheels so we were basically just following the car with the fireworks coming out of it. He pulled over (finally) and we were able to get his license plate number and phone it into the police.  Two parties and a good deed in one day.  Not too shabby.  We didn’t go to bed until about 12:30 am and we both woke up around 3 am… and never really went back to sleep. 

Which caused a problem, because today was the Walk to Remember in honor of Infant Loss Awareness Month that our hospital was hosting.  Luckily, after church and a huge breakfast, we felt ready for take on the day.  I was disappointed from the start, though.  I had sent a message to our family and close friends to see if they wanted to come with us, and almost everyone said no or chose to ignore the message completely. In the end, Tim’s sister, mom, brother, niece, and two of our friends came. It really makes me grateful for the people in our life who truly care, and who don’t think of the loss of our boys as old news.  It was a windy day, but it was perfectly autumn out. Luckily, being bundled up hid my pregnant belly pretty well. 

I don’t remember a ton of specifics – mostly because as soon as everyone started reciting prayers, I lost my mind and bawled my eyes out.  I think as soon as someone with a microphone said, “I think of you everyday”  that pretty much did me in.  There was a short walk around the forest preserve, some parents had readings devoted to their babies, and then there was a balloon release. Conner and Ben’s balloons were stuck together as soon as we got them, and they stayed together until we were no longer able to see them.

See the two balloons in the middle, stuck together?

One of our friends turned to us and said, “I never met them, and I still miss them.  And those pictures you have of them have got to be some of the most beautiful pictures I’ve ever seen.”

Cue my heart breaking. 

Tim’s sister and mom made more hats for the micropreemies and blankets. Of course, the nurses were so grateful to have them.  But I do remember our family and friends commenting on how small they were – they were modeled after Conner and Ben’s hats, and I could feel myself getting hot.  I hate it when people comment on how small they were.  I obviously know they were small.  No shit. But I already feel like a failure of a mother, so I hate when people comment on how small they are – it makes me feel like I didn’t do my job even more.  I know that the boys came out bigger – in weight and in length – than anyone expected, but still hearing that they were small was like a dagger.  If my kids died of cancer, I wouldn’t want someone saying something like “they just looked so sick. SO SICK.  I mean, SICK.”  You get the point.

I also need to catch up with Capture Your Grief, which seems very fitting after writing about the Walk to Remember.  I’ll make this short and sweet (am I losing you yet?).

Day 3: BEFORE

On our honeymoon cruise

Who was I before I lost my kids?  I think I was stupid.  Honestly.  Book smart, maybe, but stupid.  I remember holding my boys and feeling so guilty in getting caught up in all the baby shopping and money spending on the hottest new baby gear.  I remember thinking, “They don’t care what kind of crib I put them in.  They just want to breathe.”

I had fun.  I laughed more.  I stayed out later.  I thought that I was invincible.  I shouldn’t have.  I’m a little too old to believe in personal fables. But God, I miss that girl.  So naïve. So dumb.  You should have known better than to think your luck would never run out, stupid girl. 

I obviously still have anger at my past self for not preparing for what was about to happen to us. 

Day 4: NOW

We put the dimes we find in Conner and Ben's owl bank.  I find myself more open to what life has to show me. 

Maybe someday, I’ll be able to say I am truly a better person because of what has been taken from me (from US).  My boys have made me live in the moment when I used to live for a future that was never a given.  They have made me more grateful for what I have.  I hold some people closer and have pushed people away who didn’t give our boys the time of day.  Tim and I fight over not much of anything anymore.  I am, in some circumstances, more forgiving and patient.  I am more sensitive.  

But I’m still angry, I still feel robbed, and I still proceed with caution in life.  At any given second, I feel like throwing the temper tantrum of a monster two year old.  IT’S NOT FAIR, IT’S NOT FAIR, IT’S NOT FAIR! The optimism I might have had before has all but disappeared.  But none of those negative traits are the fault of my boys.  Those traits will disappear with time, or so I hope.  So, I’m not really sure who or what I am.  Better in some ways, broken in others.  

Day 5: JOURNAL

Dear Benjamin and Conner,

I haven’t written a letter to you in so long.  This blog has become a letter to you in many ways.  It chronicles my feelings about having you and losing you, it captures the grief and happiness that I feel whenever we do something special for you, and it helps me to remember everyday how you both have changed me to be a more contemplative and sentimental person. Some days I feel like there isn’t anything else to say – everything that can be said has already been said.  Other days I feel like I could write an entire book on things I would love to be able to say to you.

For your baby shower, everyone was going to fill out a “wishes for babies” card. I never got around to filling it out, because you came so quickly after the cards were ordered.  But I want you to know all the wishes that I had for your lives, and how I hope you are living in heaven.

I hope you learn how to ride a bike fearlessly, your alphabet with silly rhymes, and how life is always beautiful, even in the worst of times.  If you hurt, it is because you loved.

I hope you are not afraid to challenge what is wrong with the world, even if they are beliefs held by the majority.  Do the right thing, and you will have peace in your heart.

I hope you love each other.  I always wished for twins, and when I heard we were having them, I wished that you would be the same gender and be best friends. Take care of each other.  There is a reason you were born together.

I hope you get to live life fully.  I cannot guarantee a long life, or even a happy one (although I would have done everything I could to give you both).  But I hope that you take the good with the bad and face each day with determination.

I hope you laugh at stupid things.  Your dad and I laugh at movies and jokes that quite frankly probably aren’t that great, and we have inside jokes that no one will ever really get. But those little opportunities at happiness everyday are sometimes what make each day fun.

I hope you never forget how much I love you.  When you go off to high school and feel like an outsider, or move away to college and crave your independence, or get married (per my approval) to the girl of your dreams – I hope you make your choices each day knowing that I will support you and love you no matter what.  You will never be alone.

I hope you always are grateful for the people who care about you.  So often, we lose track of friends and family and get caught up in ourselves.  Be sure to check in on people.  They will never forget you for it. 

I hope you dream about trains, cars, dirt bikes, and dogs. I hope you wake up in the mornings eager to play outside in the mud because of some great dream you had, or get new ideas of games to play with each other because of some creative wanderings your mind took in the middle of the night. Be little boys.  Be dirty and muddy and loud.  I promise I won’t mind. Your dad is always tracking dirt in the house and Miranda loves the smell of her own poop.  I haven’t kicked either one of them out yet, and I’m not even sure I know how to handle other clean people in the house.

I hope you become a person your children can be proud of.  You’ll know soon enough that the only opinions that matter are God’s, your mom’s, and your kid’s. If your kids grow up and think, I want to be just like my daddy, well then you’ve done a great job.

I hope you respect other people’s beliefs and cultures.  Some of them may seem completely different from yours, but it is not enough to simply tolerate.  You have to learn how to accept, and then to appreciate.  I am glad you are being born at a time where minority populations are gaining rights every day.  You represent two different cultures, being born from a white father and a Filipino mother.  People have opened the doors for you; keep opening it for others.

I hope you grow up. And at the same time, always stay young.  You’ll always be my baby boys.

With love,

Mom