Weekend Review: Tim's 2nd Father's Day

This weekend, we finally went to the NASCAR race that I got Tim tickets to for Father's Day. He has wanted to go since he was a little kid, but it was a 10 hour drive away.  He and the boys in his family are huge fans and I'll admit that I started watching too... but only because I started betting his friends money that I could predict the winners better than they could and I started beating them. It was a nice getaway for the weekend with a beautiful ride through Indiana/Kentucky/Tennessee/Virginia/back to Tennessee (yeah, near the end there, we weren't sure where the hell we were).

Tim standing near the edge of a cliff... I really wish he wasn't an adrenaline junkie.

Beautiful rolling hills of... Virginia?  

Seriously, live in the Midwest and see how bored you get with the views. Corn and cows are great, but only for like, five miles.  Then your brain starts to go numb.  We got out of the car for a little bit to admire the scenery down south, and a giant spider approached me.  A pregnant spider.  With a baby sac on it's back.  

And then I remembered how I secretly hate nature.  It's beautiful and all, but this is why I prefer beaches - no spiders. There is something seriously effed up with something the size of a quarter being able to kill you if it bites you.  If I were in the hunger games, the elements would kill me before a tribute did. 

The race itself was great and Tim and I had a lot of fun.  We were exhausted and boy oh boy were there a lot of rednecks around... but being the short track that Bristol was, it was an exciting race with lots of lead changes. There was a drunk guy behind me who kicked me, prompting Tim to go nuts, but that guy was so drunk he didn't know what the hell was happening.  We switched seats but Tim continued to get in the guy's face about it.  Ordinarily, I'd stop him, but I was pretty upset myself. The drive wasn't even that bad, as I entertained myself with views, food, and peeing in a cup in the back of the car.  I may have accidentally mooned a car while I did that.  Couldn't help it - I have a baby in me, a small bladder, and there were limited stops driving through the mountainous regions of wherever the hell we were. 

One of my favorite drivers, Carl Edwards, and Tim's favorite driver Jeff Gordon

God Bless the USA

Jeff Gordon, who we listened to via scanner the whole race

Denny Hamlin, my other favorite driver.  I told him that he was going to show everyone at this race what he was made of.  He was driving in first when Harvick got into him and crashed him.  I'm still upset about it... probably not as mad as Denny, who threw safety equipment at Harvick's car, lol. 

In other news... I had some bleeding this morning.  But, Baby C is fine.  I ran to the OB and got checked out.  I'm taking it easy for a few days and my next appointment is on Thursday.  Of course, I am extremely worried but my OB is not (which makes me a bit calmer).  I'm taking this as a sign to skip work today and lay in bed watching tv during this thunderstorm.  Not a bad plan, right?

I hope Tim had a great weekend and fun at the race.  I'm worried that his pregnant wife put a damper on things but he says he had a fun time.  He deserves some fun, for sure. I really hope that our boys were there with us - the tickets were technically a gift from them, and I know Tim would have raised them to be racing fans.  I can see two little boys asking mommy to drive faster and me shaking my head and telling my husband to stop influencing them, lol. 

12 weeks and HELLO BABY!

Not my best picture, but I was in a mood this morning

How far along? 12 weeks
What's happening with  baby? Baby has reflexes!  S/he can respond if I poke at my belly, even though I can't feel it yet.  Baby is the size of a lime!
Total weight gain: I don't want to talk about it... but I've been calling this baby "fat baby."  I really mean it in an endearing way, I swear.
Maternity clothes?  Nope but my fat jeans fit me pretty nicely this week.  Crap.
Stretch marks? Not yet... but I won't be surprised if I get them with this pregnancy.
Sleep: Last night I didn't get up to pee. Not once.  Unbelievable.  It was the greatest sleep ever.
Best moment this week:  TODAY!!! We got to see little Baby C.  As soon as the ultrasound tech put the wand to my belly, Baby C was stretching and rolling and punching.  It was almost like s/he didn't like being photographed.  Little baby held an arm out, like it was guarding against the ultrasound. This one is a little gymnast, for sure.  Conner and Ben did not move this much at 12 weeks when we saw them.  At one point, baby rolled over to face us.  If you've seen this in an early ultrasound before, then you know how creepy it can be because you can see little baby's brain.  I was in total awe.  This baby has arms!!!  I mean, its my second pregnancy and third baby so you would think I wouldn't be so shocked at the fact that my baby had limbs but nonetheless, yeah, I'm pretty enthralled.  I should probably add that I think the baby is a boy now, so turns out I'm not so sure what s/he is.

Doesn't Baby C look like a mermaid here???  Haaaahaha

Miss Anything?  My cute clothes.  My options are pretty limited right now.
Differences between Baby C and Conner and Ben at this point:  Well, the nausea is back and the pregnancy acne has begun, so at this point they're pretty similar.  Ben also did not like ultrasounds (it was so hard to get a gender read on that little guy) so he and Baby C have that in common.  I remember him trying to move away from the ultrasound. Conner was more of the "flashy" baby  - "here's my weiner, mom!"
Emotions:  So moody, and not the good kind.
Difficulties this week:  I saw a Babies R Us catalog stand at our OB's office.  They always have stuff that the pregnant women can take home with them.  I used to get so excited with Conner and Ben, but this time I looked at the catalog and looked away.  Too early.  Maybe once I hit the third trimester, I'll start planning.
Movement: Apparently A LOT.  But I can't feel it yet.
Food cravings/aversions:  Tim bought me strawberry glazed donuts today.  I feel guilty.  I'm going to try to eat healthier.
Symptoms: Cranky, tired, nausea, acne, bloating... oh my.
Labor Signs:  Nah.
Happy or Moody most of the time:  SO MOODY.  Stay out of my way, people.  Unless you have food, then we can talk.
Looking forward to:  Our ultrasound next week!  We get one every week with my cervical checks.  Pros and cons to everything, right?  Next week is also our NT scan so I'm a bit nervous, but I love seeing this little nugget in action!

Our wedding

My big news this weekend was that I bought a new 2 in 1 laptop (yay).  Tim's big news was that he rode his bike 124 miles with his brother (yikes).  So, instead of a weekend review, I'm posting pictures from our wedding from almost three years ago.  I've been wanting to post these for awhile and now it seems like a good filler.  I feel weird posting pictures of other people on this blog, since this blog is private and no one really knows about it, so have fun looking at tons of pictures that are mostly of me and my husband (hahahaha).  I'm getting all nostalgic and now I want wedding cake.  Have I mentioned that I've gained a pound... in two days?  Baby C is unofficially "fat baby."

Yep, two of my best friends are boys and were my "bridesmen"

String quartet

The skies cleared and we got two rainbows for our wedding ceremony!

Our wedding cross (instead of a unity candle)

"Wrong hand, Krystal"

Right after we walked down the aisle, our wedding coordinator handed us Bud Light. Oh, hell yes.

Great story here: When Tim proposed, he had his dad hide and take pictures of the entire thing.  I didn't know we had pictures of him proposing until our wedding day. 

After our honeymoon, Tim put on his Class A uniform and I put my wedding dress back on and we took pictures at the park and in Chicago.

Apparently, he doesn't like my lipgloss.

I am so blessed to have this man in my life.  Last night, I asked him if he still loved me even though I had a mouthguard in and I was bloated and wouldn't get out of my pajamas.  He said he loved me because of it.  That's some real love right there :)

Hope you all had a great weekend!

11 weeks

Every week that goes by with this baby is a blessing. I want to thank all of you for the support, well-wishes, prayers, and comments that brighten my day.  Every one of you reading this has helped me keep my sanity throughout this pregnancy and through the rough days when I'm not sure how to live life without my boys.  I could never thank you enough!

How far along? 11 weeks!  Thursdays have officially become my favorite day of the week!
What's happening with  baby? Baby C is over 1.5 inches long (the size of a fig, whatever that is).  Bones are beginning to harden and s/he is kicking and stretching.  Little fig might also be hiccupping!  Organs are almost complete in development.  They grow up so fast. 
Total weight gain: Scale says I lost half a pound, but I think its either a liar or broken.
Maternity clothes?  Yes, my own version- jeans, unzipped, with a long shirt to cover up the fact that I'm getting too fat to button my pants.
Stretch marks? No, and it would be a major issue if I had them this early!
Sleep: Pee.  Pee again.  More pee.
Best moment this week:  Went in for a culture on Monday, and it was negative!  I hope they stay that way...
Miss Anything?  My boys, a lot.
Differences between Baby C and Conner and Ben at this point:  Nausea is starting to subside already, and with Benjamin and Conner it didn't start to go away until I was about 16 weeks (double double twin trouble).
Emotions:  Last night was rough and we were really missing our baby boys.  Sometimes I wonder what kind of family this poor baby is being born into, because we are still so deep into our bereavement. But I think something would be majorly wrong with us if we had just moved on and forgotten about our sons once we had gotten this BFP. I keep having to remind myself that this is normal, and that it just means that I love my children.
Difficulties this week:  On Monday, I went in for a check up.  The nurse went in to find the heartbeat with a Doppler and for about ten minutes, couldn't find a thing.  I was holding my breath, my eyes were filled with tears, and I was thinking of ways to tell Tim that we lost another one.  The nurse left to get a different Doppler, but I was positive she was going to come back in with the OB.  But, she did come in with what looked like a newer Doppler.  After a few minutes with that one, we finally found little Baby C with a heartbeat of 181 bpm. She reminded me that I could start to breathe again.  With Conner and Ben, I never worried about losing them.  I was so sure we were bringing both of them home.  But with this little one, I feel like every day is a gift that can be taken away.
Movement: Nada.
Food cravings:  Nothing in particular, but I did want Snapple last night. And right now.

Cake-print pajama pants and a Snapple.  It was a good night. 

Symptoms: Nausea, fatigue, sore boobs.  Bruised butt from PIO, which I decided to keep doing for one more week (so officially, the last day was yesterday). I've only had boobs twice in my life: post-partum with the twins and now.  I have to admit that this time around is kinda nice.  I'm used to being flatter than a frisbee.
Anything making you queasy or sick: Greasy foods, which sucks because I want everything bad for me right now.  Yesterday I had a taco for breakfast.  I felt guilty today, so this morning I had a banana and organic peanut butter on wheat toast.
Labor Signs:  Noooooooooo
Wedding rings on or off? Mine - on.  Tim's - off.  He keeps forgetting it on his nightstand, so I plan to take it in for engraving so the inside of his ring says "PUT IT BACK ON!"
Happy or Moody most of the time:  Happy this week. Maybe it's all the ice cream Tim has been feeding me, or the fact that he goes out on food-craving runs for me at all hours of the night.  Last night around bedtime, he ran and got me Snapple (stupid America's Got Talent sponsorship works!).
Looking forward to:  Our ultrasound one week from today!  Little baby will actually look like a baby this time, instead of Stitch who just got slammed by a truck.

Weekend Review: Conner and Ben's 7 month birthday

I can't believe it has been 7 months since Conner and Benjamin were born.  It has been 7 months since I last held them, last saw them, and last kissed their little faces.  As time goes on, I find myself thinking about them just as much as I did the week they were born.  But I find that while this seemed like yesterday for me, it was an eternity ago for everyone else.  Nevertheless, I am determined that these boys never be forgotten and so we celebrate their birth on the 10th of every month instead of grieving their deaths.

Manicure for the boys this weekend.  I had to include the moon for them :)

The weekend started out pretty shitty (quite literally).  Our laundry room flooded.  There was crap everywhere.  Tim had just left for the fire department, and I went downstairs to do laundry.  I opened the door and stopped in my tracks.  I didn't even call my husband.  I texted a picture of the laundry room to him and within 5 minutes, he had found someone to hold over for him and he was home cleaning up the mess. What a guy, huh? Because he was on shift that day, I had to be home for when the plumbers came. (Side note: is texted not a word?  Blogger isn't recognizing it.)

This meant that I couldn't attend my sister-in-law's baby shower.  Divine intervention, perhaps?  I was having a really hard time dealing with her pregnancy.  I kept imagining pictures of her baby flooding our family's homes while Ben and Conner's pictures stayed frozen in time.  We would get Christmas cards with this baby all over it and my boys would never get a picture with Santa.  This baby's first Christmas would ironically be Benjamin and Conner's as well.  Plus, she's using the baby name we were saving for six years: Parker.  It was almost Conner and Parker, not Conner and Ben.  Or, Ben and Parker.  I knew I couldn't sit through the baby shower without crying, and not only did I not want to put myself through that, I didn't want to ruin my sister-in-law's day.

I ran to my parent's house to shower, since our plumbing was out.  Then my blow dryer lit on fire. Awesome. I started screaming and laughing all at the same time upstairs while my brother kept asking me what the hell was going on.  I didn't even know what to say.  Fire! Anything else, God?  Oh yes, the day wasn't over yet.  I went to Target to get a new blow dryer and ran into Tim's family buying stuff for the baby shower.  Yeesh.

Also grabbed a book for Conner and Ben's birthday.  So far, pretty good!

I did end up stopping by the shower right before it started to drop off gifts and say hi, then I ran home.  Right before I left, my other sister-in-law (the one that I spend time with often), gave me three books and a picture frame.  She told me they were for the boys.  Of course, I was a mess.  I was so happy that she remembered them.  She hugged me on the way out and said, "Everyone misses your boys, Krystal.  You need to know that."  I told her thank you and I would talk to her later.  I was already crying but no one could tell behind my sunglasses.  I had to get out of there before everyone saw what a wreck I was.  I sent her a message later to let her know how much that meant to me.

Inside the three books, she and her kids had written messages to Conner and Benjamin.  As I'm writing this, I'm trying not to cry.  I feel like she is the only one who really acknowledges them everyday.

I put their picture frame in their nursery.  See the little moon dangling from the frame?  I love it!

I got home and the plumbers got there shortly after. Tim didn't like the price the plumbers gave, so I had one more day without water.  Luckily, Tim fixed the plumbing on his own on Sunday, which was coincidentally also the boys' 7 month birthday. We did what we usually do on a Sunday: church and breakfast.  When I was pregnant with the twins, I had cravings for orange juice.  I consider this my only pregnancy craving. While I also craved things like peanut butter or fruit, those were not necessarily out of the ordinary.  I always like peanut butter and fruit.  But I can't stand orange juice.  So I knew that when I wanted orange juice, that was Benjamin and Conner demanding some. I could probably drink a whole jug of orange juice in a day when I was pregnant. So, every month on their birthday, I have some in honor of them.

Fresh squeezed, ya'll.

Happy 7 month birthday, baby boys. I would give anything to have you here with me today. I love you more than you'll ever know.  

10 weeks

Celebrating 10 weeks with Baby C and the end of PIO shots!

It has been a struggle for me to acknowledge that all of this is happening, even after months of waiting for the FET cycle and the extreme want and almost need of getting pregnant.  But I think back of all the pictures I have of my pregnancy with Conner and Ben and how I carefully documented everything.  I don't regret it, and in fact it just means more to me because I will never have more pictures of them.  They will forever be frozen in time.  If I lose this baby, I would like to have pictures and mementos of the time that I had him/her.  If I get to bring this baby home, I'll be glad that I celebrated weekly milestones. So, here it goes....

How far along? 10 weeks!  1/4 of the way there! Keep growing little baby!
Total weight gain: Nada.  But please explain to me how I haven't gained an ounce but my jeans won't zip up???
Maternity clothes?  Nope. But my yoga pants tempt me everyday (and I don't do yoga).
Stretch marks? None (yet). But I am sure that Baby C will be a fat baby, and I'm waiting for the stretch marks to come.
Sleep: SO GREAT.  I've been sleeping like a rock.  And yesterday, for the first time in months, I did not set an alarm because I didn't have to get up at 6 am for a shot!
Best moment this week:  See above.
Miss Anything?  Sushi, poached eggs, and tequila. 

Differences between Baby C and Conner and Ben at this point:  With the boys, I was usually sick around 1 pm - horrible headaches and nausea.  I would usually have to lay down until dinner time and I'd barf about 2-4 times a day. This baby has me more fatigued and a bit nauseous, but no headaches.  I maybe only have to puke about 1-2 times a day.    Also with the boys I had horrible pregnancy acne, but this time around is hardly noticeable.  

Emotions:  I'll admit that this pregnancy has been a huge reminder of what I have lost.  I wake up every morning and say hi to Conner and Benjamin, but now its with strain and sadness.  I touch my belly and remember what it was like to have two in there. 

Difficulties this week:  Went in for prenatal screening Monday, results came in today - I have a bladder infection.  WTF. I was totally asymptomatic.  I know this isn't a big deal, but it is just one thing after another after another... enough with the infections already!!!! To some this is not even worth mentioning.... but as a baby loss mom with too much experience in the infection department, every little thing is freaking me out right now.
Movement: Supposedly little Baby C is moving around constantly, but of course it is too early to feel anything. 
Food cravings:  Chocolate.  Can't have it though, since dairy makes me sick. 
Symptoms: Fatigue and Nausea, nothing abnormal.  
Anything making you queasy or sick: Dairy for sure, which limits a lot of my food choices. It's especially hard because I am craving cheese and chocolate! 
Labor Signs:  Yeesh, no!
Wedding rings on or off? On.  Well, technically off. I only wear mine when we're going out somewhere. 
Happy or Moody most of the time:  Moody.  Bitchy, to be exact. 
Looking forward to:  Our next ultrasound in two weeks.  Little Baby C will look like an actual baby by then instead of a flattened froggy. 

Weekend Review

Four things happened this weekend.  I realize that none of these events are extraordinary, but the entire weekend took an emotional toll on me.

1.  Miranda got into trouble
2.  Went to a wedding
3.  Saw my mom
4.  Read bedtime books to the boys

Miranda
Ok, so this might be the one thing that didn't bother me emotionally.  Kinda.  Saturday morning, I took Miranda for our daily (sweaty) walk.  A neighbor tried to give her treats.  Miranda got scared, cried, and hid behind me.  You can't take this girl anywhere, I swear.

And then I let her out into the backyard. You know, to pee.  Not kill.

I called her to come back inside.  I could see her chewing on something.  I assumed it was her frisbee.  I told her to show it to me.  She promptly and proudly picked up whatever she was chewing on and walked it with the stance of a lion to the deck.  I went to go see it.

A baby bunny. With a bite taken out of its side.

No words except OMG. Easter is ruined for everyone, kiddos.

I called Tim and he went into the backyard to clean it up.  Turns out it wasn't a baby bunny, but instead it was an adult rabbit that was beheaded by our dog.  We found the head at the back of the yard, next to a bird she had also killed.  She's a sweetheart like that.

If you're a dog owner, this isn't a big deal.  Dogs do this.  If you're not a dog owner then I should probably add here that Miranda really isn't dangerous.  She just likes.... to kill stuff.

Kill bunnies?  Who, me???

Wedding

Our pastor warned me that this would happen.  He said that there would be some days when I just wanted to be happy and have fun, and Tim wouldn't understand it.  He said there would be days that Tim was in a good mood and I would be angry because I was grieving alone.  It happened for the first time on Saturday.

We went to a wedding, and I got all dressed up, got my hair done, and took an insane amount of time on my makeup (which ended up not looking any damn different from any other day).  I was excited to see friends and dance and just have a good time.  I even had a plan on how to make it seem like I was drinking when in fact, I wasn't (hold a glass of pineapple juice. Everyone thought I had some girly fruity cocktail.  Plus I'm an idiot anyway so maybe I seemed drunk).  

If Baby C is a girl, I hope she has my hair. It's the only thing I like about my looks and I got it from my mama. 

Dinner went well and we took pictures in the photo booth. Tim proceeded to show people pictures of the dead rabbit.  Men, I swear.  He was so proud. It was turning out to be a good night.

Thanks for wearing that hat, Tim. Now we can both be Asian.

Trying to put a mustache on my butt. 

And then nothing. He kept asking me to leave (and this was HIS friend's wedding).  I could tell something was wrong so I said okay, let's go. We walked out.  He said he was depressed and didn't feel like celebrating, which got me upset.  We hardly ever have this kind of time together. He had been working late for weeks and I was just excited to spend a night together.  Being a firefighter's wife means that 1/3 of your life is spent without your significant other, and you go to bed alone.  You wake up alone.  I got all dressed up and he didn't even ask me to dance.  He wanted to go home and read to the boys.  I wanted to go out and have fun.  I realize now that this is just one night of probably hundreds that we will have throughout our life.  He will want to have fun, and I'll want to sit at home and cry over the boys.  I'll want to go out and have a good time, and he will want to sit home and think about our sons.  But this was the first time it happened and I didn't know how to deal with it.  Eventually we talked it out but I know we will struggle with this for a lifetime. 

Saw my mom

My mom was walking around and talking like she's never been sick.  It's the first time I've heard her voice in months. Its awful to see her and try to spend time with her, knowing she can't talk back. She's four weeks out since her last chemo treatment and her last radiation treatment, so she was feeling a lot better.  We sat around and talked and spent time with my niece.  As usual, because she is a shopaholic, she raided her closet for shoes and purses that she hasn't used in awhile and threw them at me.  I left with a new pair of sandals and two coach purses.  And new towels.  And two bags of clothes for my other niece that Eva doesn't fit in anymore.  My mom is the kind of person who will buy things just because they are on sale and then she doesn't know what to do with them.  Department stores love her and probably know her by name. Because of this, I rarely shop.  Thanks mom!  

She gave me old coins that she thinks will be worth money one day.  She said she was saving them for Conner and Benjamin.  Ugh. Break my heart.  I'm going to put them in their nursery. 

Today she has chemo again.  September 15th will hopefully be her last chemotherapy.  It killed me to leave knowing that I was leaving my mom and that the next time I would see her, she would be sick again.  I'm waiting until she is done to announce Baby C.  By then, we will know if this baby is a girl or a boy. 

Read to the boys

We read to the boys every night.  When I was in the hospital with them, I promised them that I would.  We still consider it our time together.  There is a picture of them across from our bed that I stare at while we read.  Yesterday night, Tim was at the fire department so I was left alone to read.  For some reason, yesterday was harder for me than most nights.  I bawled my eyes out while I read.  I just kept imagining my sons looking for their mommy and not being able to find me.  

And now it's Monday.  Thursday marks 10 weeks pregnant, and I will finally start taking pregnancy pictures. I didn't start until 10 weeks with Conner and Ben so it didn't seem fair or right to do it any earlier with this baby.  I feel like 10 weeks is a milestone.  My MFM said she believed we would be looking at a viable pregnancy if I reached 10 weeks.  It was also at 10 weeks that we had our pregnancy announcement with the twins.  I'll be 25% done with this pregnancy.  I'll also be DONE WITH PIO.  Over the weekend, the swelling from the progesterone was pressing on a nerve and I lost feeling in my right leg.  Thursday, we will be celebrating a milestone and the fact that I won't be putting 1.5 inch 22 gauge needles in my ass anymore.  

I hope you all had a wonderful weekend!