10 MONTHS!! DOUBLE DIGITS!!!!

10 MONTHS

Weight: 18.2 pounds
Length:  I suck at measuring this, because according to my measurements, you lost like half an inch in length. I'm waiting until your 12 month pediatrician appointment to see how long are you!
Head: Not even going to attempt to try to measure this. You wouldn't even let me put in piggy tails today!
Clothing size: 12 months all the way. Can you slow down, please? My wallet cannot keep up.
Eye color: Same. Brown, but sometimes looking light brown and sometimes dark.
Hair: The cutest little piggy tails you ever did see! Sooo long and still curly at the ends! I know I keep saying your hair is going to lighten up, and I know most people don't see it, but I know it is!
Nicknames: I'm not sure anymore. Most of the words out of my mouth now are "no, don't touch that!" or "be careful!" or "sit down!"

EAT

You loved turkey on Thanksgiving!

Someone decided that she does not want to eat baby food anymore, mostly because she (YOU) does not want to be fed. Someone thinks they are old enough to feed themselves. So breakfast is mostly cheerios cereal, sometimes egg yolk (hard boiled), and a bottle. Snacks are teething wafers, organic puffs, and the like. Maybe some wheat bread. Lunch is fruit and veggies and I sneak in some cottage cheese when I can (which you do not like). Thankfully, you still eat your baby food for dinner because you like the taste and texture of the stage three foods with chicken, turkey, or beef. Sippy cups throughout the day, bottle again at bedtime. You are a messy, messy eater and love to get food in your hair and even more so, drop it so that the doggy can eat it. Miranda has taken to camping out under your high chair because she knows you'll give her food eventually (both accidentally and on purpose).

SLEEP

Your last night in your nursery before we moved

More or less the same. You do not like it when I put you down in your crib anymore, so I have to wait until you are really passed out to even attempt it. But you still sleep 11-12 hours at night, which is great. However, you rarely nap well - I maybe get 30 minutes a day out of you for naps, unless we are in the car in which case you will gladly fall asleep until we pull into the driveway. When you're at Grandma's, though, you sleep 2-3 hours. What's the deal, Jordan? No naps for mommy?

LIKES

Running around the coffee table. Seriously, for half an hour at a time. Talk, walk, run around the table. You stop for nothing, unless it's to pick something up that is on the table (and hold it over your head like the prized possession that it is).
Rolling the ball to doggy. Miranda lets her ball go for no one, except you. You roll it to her, she grabs it, you take it back, roll it, and the cycle continues. You love that dog so much - if we are getting in the car and I tell you we are going to see doggy at home, you happily get in.
"Unpacking." We're living like scavengers since I refuse to unpack/repack when we move again next month. So, there are boxes, both open and unopen, everywhere in your uncle's house. You have taken into tossing everything out of the open ones and have even tried climbing into them. You'll be a great help in the next house when we unpack, except when you subsequently fall into a box and I spend an hour looking for you.
Climbing stairs. Like a pro.
Talking on the phone. I always take calls on speaker phone now so I can have my hands free to grab you before you wander off somewhere you are not supposed to be. When you hear the phone ring, You get a huge smile on your face and babble your little head off.
People watching. Tried and true, this has not changed for you in months. You still love just sitting and watching people - maybe someday you will be a sociologist.
Hearing yourself laugh. Your laugh sounds much like duck noises now, and when I mimic you, you just laugh even more.
Playing with books. Pop-ups and lift the flip books are your favorite.

DISLIKES
Getting clean. Like getting your face wiped is a crime. Still. Will you ever grow out of this?
Getting out of the bath. You've come to love water (thank you) and when I get you out of the bath now, you hold onto the tub for dear life and scream at me. Sorry kiddo, but eventually we all have to face the real (dry) world.
Getting dressed. I'd just like to point out that this has been going on for some time now, and I would love for it to change, please.

ACCOMPLISHMENTS
Walking/running holding furniture. More like running (in my best Forrest Gump voice). There is an oval coffee table at Uncle P's house that your aunt, your mom and dad, and now Uncle P has inherited from your grandparents. You are in love with it and constantly make left turns around it (much to your NASCAR loving grandpa's delight), stopping occasionally to pat the table, pick something up off the floor or off the table, or reach for doggy.
Standing alone momentarily. But only when you forget you are standing. You'll be running around the coffee table, and you'll grab the remote control and hold it up over your head with both hands and voila - standing alone. Then you put the remote back on the table and keep walking/running.
Rolling ball. To the doggy mostly, and sometimes to mommy. You're not a pro, and it doesn't go far, but you definitely will roll a ball back and forth for awhile!

Waving. To mommy. To daddy. To uncle. To doggy. To strangers. But never when I ask you to, hahahahaha. I actually caught your first wave on camera. You woke up one morning and you just started moving your hand like you were going to. So I sat you in your high chair for breakfast, turned on my camera on my phone, and waved to you - and you waved right back! You looked at your hand in awe while you did it, and now you can't stop waving!
Sharing. More notably your wubby with  mommy and cheerios with doggy. Just pop your wubby in mommy's mouth or throw the dog some cereal, like it's no big deal.
"da." You are big on mama and baba, and now you've finally made the "da" sound - sometimes talking about doggy, sometimes daddy. Sometimes it's just "da" and sometimes "dada" and there was even a day I will swear you said "daddy" like three times.

DEAR JORDAN

Dear Jordan piggy tails,

As we near your first birthday, I feel like I need to give you some sort of advice. Maybe not even advice - more like insight. Some sort of meaningful, deep words that you will carry with you your whole life. Well, I'm not that great at that stuff. I can tell you that I'm 30, almost 31 now, and I've been through the worst of life and the best of it. I can tell you that there are things that I would love for you to learn from me - things I only learned through retrospect and mistakes. Whatever you do with this - whether you just read it, or take it to heart, or pass it down to your own children - I hope you know that I want the very best for you, and I wish with all my heart that you lead a happy, fulfilling life.

People can be mean. They tease, hurt, cheat, and lie. Everyone encounters this at some point in their lives. Stay away from the people who make these traits a habit, and forgive the people who do it occasionally. No one is perfect. But if you ever feel that you cannot be friends with this person, or love this person anymore, make your peace and move on. Revenge is not necessary, but if you want it - the best revenge is living a better life without them.
People can be good. Keep them close and treat them well. Check in on them. Don't just call them if you need something. See them in person. Technology will only keep you so close. Good friends and family are a rare find.
You will care too much about what other people think. The thing is, caring about what other people think can be a good thing. It's what makes us shower in the morning, and put on clothes, etc. But at some point, it tends to overtake our lives. Competition and jealousy will never lead you to happiness. Be content with what you have, and grateful for it. So many have less. Someone will always have more, no matter what you have.
Be yourself. You can't make everyone happy. The people you want to surround yourself with will be the people you can speak your mind around, be comfortable with, and eat bbq ribs with without worrying how you look while doing it.
Set an example. You children are more likely to model your behavior and not your words.
You will get embarrassed. A lot. Shake it off, laugh at yourself, and move on. We've all been there. It will make for a great story later, I promise.
You will hurt other people. Apologize. Profusely. And mean it. Then change for the better.
You will think that the grass is greener on the other side. It's not. And people think the same about your situation and your life. Embrace what you have, and make the life you were given the best it can be.

That is it for now. I mean, you're 10 months old. I'm sure I'll have more mommy wisdom for you someday, but for now - it's bedtime for this mama.

Love you more every day,
Mom

MONTHLY PHOTO DUMP

First haircut - by mommy, with regular pair of scissors, out of desperation to get the hair out of your eyes

You actually really liked meeting Santa!

First Thanksgiving

The only pictures I got with you on Thanksgiving - after you were passed out from turkey and playing

Visiting daddy at the FD on Thanksgiving

YOU LOVE GYMBOREE!

Out for brunch to celebrate closing on our old house

You screamed and refused to nap until you got this water bottle to hold

... and then you were so happy to wake up to your water bottle!

Love looking at makeup - much to mommy's joy and daddy's concern

Christmas card photo shoot

Waving!

You tried to escape from this basket like ten million times, and the JOY letters had to be put next to you so that you wouldn't grab them in front of you!

Christmas photo shoot with your cousins - you were so photogenic that day, most of the pictures kept were of you!

Brother bears

THAT FACE. XOXOXO. 

Edit: yes, I know that picture of her napping with a water bottle is in a bed. With blankets. And pillows. But I was also working at the desk right next to the bed while she slept and kept a very close eye on her.

Capture Your Grief Days 1-6

An old post, but reposting because it weirdly won't show up on Blogger.

Dear Conner and Ben,

I know it seems like I have been too busy for you. But really, you are always on my mind. I can feel you in my heart. Sometimes I swear that it is you boys that your sister is laughing at, as she randomly looks and giggles at empty space. I still look around the nursery and think of what it would be like with two little boys running around. I can practically see you climbing up the stairs to get into my lap for bedtime stories.

Life has been crazy. Your dad is still out from work, injured. We sold our home. We'll be living with your uncle P until we find a new place. I haven't even started packing yet, because I am trying to finish up my graduate thesis. Your sister is crawling everywhere and is constantly dirty. Work has been hectic, since your dad can't go out on the construction jobs. We rely heavily on our crew to get through the jobs without him. Your grandma might be sick again. She's been seeing her oncologist again. And, because I am absolutely nuts, I'm trying to wean your sister so that I can do another FET. I just read this paragraph to myself and I instantly got tired.

But you already know all of this, because you are everywhere we are. I have no doubt that we have two little boys looking out for us, making sure that whatever obstacle comes into our lives, we will be okay.

It's Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. I almost forgot, in the midst of everything that has been happening. I feel guilty. I feel like a bad mom. But I promise, even though things like this might slip my mind, you never do. I still search for you in everything, and wish that you were here. No doubt, I would have a harder time keeping the house clean with three mobile children, but this house would feel more like home.

Love you to the moon and back,
Mom

Day 1 – SUNRISE 

Not quite the sunrise, but we were never early risers, were we boys? This was taken when we went to Bermuda, the month that you were supposed to be born, right before my first Mother's Day. We took this trip to escape the week you were due. But the truth is, we cannot escape this loss. You will always be on my mind every morning when I wake up. 

Day 2 – INTENTION 

Intentions. I have so many of them. But I think first and foremost, I intent to raise Jordan to know and love her big brothers. I understand the weight that this responsibility holds. It will not be easy. For awhile, she will not understand the significance of her brothers. She will face uncomfortable situations when people ask her if she has any siblings. She will have to face some of the choices I do now - to share, or not to share? But I want her to grow up knowing that she is always being watched over, and that her brothers make our family complete.

Day 3 –IN HONOUR 

Conner and Ben. Words cannot do justice for the love I hold for you both. You have changed our lives for the better. For the best. That seems so weird to say, because the best would really be if you were still here with us. But your love and light stays with us and reminds us that even in the darkest of times, beauty comes out of it.

Day 4 – DARK + LIGHT 

I frantically ran out to take this picture, pregnant with Jordan, to catch the supermoon in honor of my boys. The moon will always remind me that of my two sons, and that when there is dark, light always comes out of it. Conner and Ben's death will always be the most traumatic thing to ever happen to me, but their birth will always be the best. With their birth, they brought endless love. With their death, endless sadness. But there is beauty in the darkness, and as I've always said - their legacy will be love.


Day 5 – EMPATHY 

From last year's Walk to Remember

Not many people understood the loss that we endured when Conner and Ben died. Hardly anyone. And after a few weeks, people stopped asking us how we were doing. They stopped calling. And pretty soon, we weren't allowed to have feeling on this loss of ours anymore. A select few still understand how sensitive milestones are. The best thing someone has ever said to me was from my sister in law, when she texted me just days after Conner and Ben died. All she said to me was that she didn't know what to say, but she was there to listen when I was ready to talk. That was all I wanted to hear from someone. I was tired of people telling me it would be okay, and that God took them for a reason (seriously, that was the worst). I just wanted someone to recognize that there was simply nothing to say. Sometimes just listening is the best thing you can do. 

Day 6 – BOOKS 

My very best friends were books after Conner and Benjamin passed away. I immersed myself in other people's stories and words. They made me feel less alone, less like an anomaly. You can find some of my favorites here.

KETCHUP

So many things... where to start?

1. We closed on our house and moved in with my brother in law. 
2. Ironically found our "forever home" the day we closed on our house. Offer accepted! We hopefully move in January. Including the finished basement, it's over 4,000 feet of space for our kids to grow up. 
3. Jordan learned how to wave!
4. She's also RUNNING around holding furniture.
5. I have my master's degree in Theoretical Psychology! Will post results of study soon. 
6. Tim is going in for surgery consults. Thankfully it is supposed to be a low risk surgery. 
7. It's snowed twice here, and it all reminds me of my boys and of bringing Jordan home. 
8. I desperately need a spa day. I don't even look like me anymore. 
9. New obsession: New Girl is hilarious. 
10. Went in for an FET consult today! Depending on lab results, I may have a transfer in January!!! (Yes I saved that for the end!) 

9 months!!!

9 MONTHS

Weight: 17 pounds, 4 ounces, roughly 30th percentile
Length:  27.5 inches, roughly 37th pecentile
Head: 43.5 cm - I forgot the percentile. I think in the 30s now!
Clothing size: Miraculously still in 9 months - almost all of it, from regular pants, shirts, etc. You are starting to dabble in 12 month pjs, but 9 months still fit. I thought for sure you'd be in 12 months by now (although leggings are definitely 12 months, and sometimes 18 months. Why do they have to make them so tight?!).
Eye color: More and more brown everyday.
Hair: Longer, ridiculously so. All of your hair almost fits in your piggy tails now!
Nicknames: No changes here. Looks like boocakes is here to stay.

EAT
No changes. If you don't like food, you scream at it. If you like it, you'll eat it even when you aren't hungry (I'm lookin at you, puffs). And yes, I have used food as bribery before (most notably on Halloween when I just needed you to stop crying so I could get ONE good picture). But I try to save that for only special occasions (re: holidays and public displays of OMG).

We (okay, just me) have started to wean you. Actually, in just 3 or 4 short days you will be completely formula fed. You started taking your bottle again and stopped screaming at your sippy cup. I've been dropping one nursing session a week and you have adjusted well. I have to admit that I am going to miss this bonding time with you dearly, and I never saw that coming. But you are showing less interest in nursing and I think it's time. All of a sudden my little baby is getting to be a big girl!

SLEEP

Same. 12 hours a night, getting up probably about once a night but falling asleep ten minutes later. I'm trying not to bring you into our bed anymore, since that means no sleep for me or your daddy, but its so hard when I just want to snuggle you all night!

LIKES

New found love for lunchbox. I think because you've finally figured out how to lift up the sandwich part.
Puffs. Really any baby snack food - puffs, lil' crunchies, yogurt melts. You'd have them for breakfast, lunch, and dinner if I let you.

Sit to stand walker. Standing in general. You get a huge smile on your face whenever you stand up - and you do it all. the. time. You're pulling yourself up on everything - chairs, toys, tables, people. 

Miranda. More and more everyday. And now Miranda constantly tries to give you her gross, drooly red ball so you can throw it to her.
Peekaboo. Never gets old.

Books. Not reading them, but more like playing with them. You like the regular books over the board books now and that causes a major problem with destroying pages. When I try to read them to you, you ignore me and crawl on to the next book.

Rider toy thing. I had to hide it from you because you were constantly trying to stand on it and over it. This wouldn't be an issue if it didn't have wheels.
Mom's phone. I'll admit it. I let you chew on it.

DISLIKES
More or less the same as last month.

Apples. I get it. I don't like them, either. Too tart. But unfortunately, like every baby food fruit medley has apples in it. Your face is priceless when you eat them.
Getting dressed. Still a struggle.. only now you try to crawl away from me every time I try to dress you in the morning.
Diaper changes. UGH. Like putting on a clean diaper is a crime.

ACCOMPLISHMENTS
Pulling to stand. I know you've been doing this, but now its constant. If you aren't being held, you are standing yourself up. I'm watching for when you start to stand on your own and take your first steps!
Walking (ish) with walker. Just happened. You're always holding on to moving boxes and pushing yourself across the room!
Putting yourself in sitting position. I've been waiting patiently for this. You used to hate sitting. You were fully capable of sitting on your own, but refused to do it. Apparently, it was better to crawl. But now you've figured out that sitting frees up your hands more, and one day you were just crawling... then sitting without me forcing you to. Amen.
Understanding words. But giving me a big smile when I say "no" , pausing, and then doing whatever it was you were doing anyway.
Climbing stairs. The horror. 
Crawling with belly off the ground. After months of the army crawl!
MAMA. (and baba). YEEEESSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Mama was your first word. I was changing your diaper one morning, you looked at me, and said, "mama." You haven't stopped since, although now its more like "mamamamamamamama" when you are playing or "MAAAAAAAAAAAA" when you are crying and calling for me. "Baba" is also very popular right now. No signs of "dada" yet.
Shaking your head "no." That was interesting. I gave you a sippy cup, and you shook your head no. I thought maybe it was just a fluke. So I said, Jordan, do you want your sippy? Again, shook your head no. And then screamed.
Sharing. Not with mommy yet, but you have fed your precious puffs to daddy.
Hugs and kisses. I LOVE Jordan hugs. Two tiny arms around my neck and snuggles into my shoulder. They come at unexpected times. Kisses are rare, and they are more like drooling on something, but they happen. If I ask you to kiss your doll, you might crawl over to it, take it in both hands, and plant a big open mouth kiss on it. But that's about it. I usually can't get you to give more than that. You have your kiss quotas for the day (and its usually only one).



DEAR JORDAN

Dear boocakes,

I used to hold you in your glider to put you to sleep, and each night I would look down at you and think, "she will never be this little again." You grow everyday. And now I look at you and see this little girl with the attitude of a 5 year old, the smarts of a 1 year old, and the physical agility of semi-skilled acrobat (bumps, bruises, and falls included). Now when I hold you at night, I look at you and think of how little you used to be. We've been packing up the house (read: mom has been packing), and the other day I came across your newborn hospital bracelet and the little red hat you wore on Valentine's Day in the hospital. It is surreal how tiny you used to be. You left the hospital at under 5 pounds. We've come a long way, baby.

You won't remember your first home at all, and will only know it through the pictures we have taken of it and of you in it. I have bittersweet emotions about this: I want our "forever" home, our next home, to be the one that you remember and look back on. But at the same time, this home holds so many precious memories. Your nursery will be the hardest room I have to say goodbye to. You learned so many things in this room - how to crawl, roll, stand up. You said your first "mama"in this room. I rocked you, nursed you, put you to sleep in this room. This room is huge and was able to double as your playroom. As soon as you got up in the morning, we played in your room. I spent hours planning your nursery theme, and your daddy and other people spent days working on paint, crown molding, and a closet organizer. This room used to be your brothers' room, and in some ways you shared it. I'm packing up your room last.

Your little hands are exploring everything, and your little legs are climbing over everything (people included). I cannot believe how time has flown, or that soon I will be writing about your first steps. I can't wait to see the little person that you become, but right now I love having you as my baby.

We're planning another cruise trip to the Caribbean, this time with your grandparents, uncle, and cousin. Time to test the waters again, babes. I must admit that even though we just went to the Caribbean, I'm looking forward to seeing you at the beach when you are 13 months old. I wonder how much will be different then. Probably a lot. But no matter how much you grow, no matter how old you get, just remember that my love for you never changes. So when you are older, and you're reading this, and you wonder why sometimes I just want to hug you or kiss your little cheekers, it's because I still think you are my baby.

Love,
Mommy

MONTHLY PHOTO DUMP

Halloween is not your thing. But you are the cutest Buzz Lightyear ever!

Halloween basket and book!

First Trick or Treat!

Snowmen pumpkins!

Mom! Don't eat dinner! LOOKATME!!!

The question is - who is behind bars? You or the dog?

This is how we go down the slide, right?